Three Hours on a Virgin

Simon 'vacant stare' Webster Sheep Spotting

Writing from the train today; a window seat with table and ‘enhanced mobile internet’ that also happens to be pleasingly close to the beer fridges. Thank you Mr Branson.

We’re heading to Manchester for Northern Restaurant and Bar show. I’m looking forward to a few days away from London and a few nights in some new (to me) bars… Although anyone who has ever worked a stand at a drinks show will know a hefty prescription of man-up pills is required to survive the long days and longer nights…

Fellow BarLifer Simon and I are keeping ourselves amused by people watching (opposite us is a young man who has brought a huge, quite terrible, painting with him and seems surprised that there is nowhere to put it) and looking at sheep out the window. Apparently there is a word that describes the precise minimum distance a sheep has to be away from you in order to appear picturesque, but we can’t remember what it is. This mobile internet doesn’t seem very enhanced to me.

How's your arm? Does it ache? You didn't think this through, did you?

There’s a lot of leisure wear about, and as we are reluctant to reinforce regional stereotypes, we’ve decided there must be a football match on somewhere. And we are noticing a worrying trouser trend. Men, listen and take note. If there is a tiny voice in the back of your mind, no matter how small or faint, telling you that you look ridiculous, then you should listen to it. Skinny jeans on men over 30, or under 30 with a paunch, make you look like a cock. Stop it immediately. Thank you.

And get rid of the emo hair while your at it.

Right, time to go and pay £5 for a lukewarm can of Stella. But before I do, another word to the wise. Should you find yourself in Marks & Spencer, tempted by the £1 cheese and Marmite sandwich, don’t under any circumstance buy one. I love Marmite, and cheese, but it almost made me yack.