CON: Bartender Scared Of Coffee Machine


Following months of internal turmoil, bartender Aaron Balaclava has confessed to a profound fear of his bar’s espresso machine.

Balaclava, who sort of works at Manchester’s Guano Bar and Kitchen, made the confession in an emotional TikTok video viewed by 14 people, a transcript of which appears below:

“Guys, I can’t keep pretending everything is ok. It’s that fucking machine bro, it scares the shit out of me. It’s hot, and noisy. And DANGEROUS. It’s too complicated, I don’t understand it. Been trying to cope. For weeks whenever someone asks for a coffee, been telling them the machine is out of order. Unless they are hot of course, then I’ve been trying to get through it, to make it work. Because if you don’t have that, what have you got? But I can feel it getting the better of me. It’s the steam that scares the shit out of me, soon I won’t even be able to serve the hot ones…”

In an outpouring of support, TikTok user HOT25677XXX commented: “Promote it on @coffeestars”.

Guano’s senior bartender and self-styled ‘bar mum’ Gail Shamrock told CON: “Bless him, he just needs a cuddle. Not a real cuddle. Please make it clear I didn’t mean anything physical. That’s not professional. A mental cuddle, which is what I call training. Listen, before you go, can I make it absolutely clear I didn’t mean a real cuddle, we, and I mean I, have had issues with that sort of thing before. OK?”

Reports indicate the coffee machine at Guano Bar and Kitchen is currently out of service.