The Alternative Bar Awards – Live Updates

BarLifeUK will be at the Portobello Star tonight (15-12-2013), reporting live as the 2013 Alternative Bar Awards unfold.

Refresh this page from around 7:30pm GMT for up to date reports. You can also follow our updates on Twitter: @BarLifeUK

We apologise in advance for the inevitably poor spelling, grammar and offensive content we will be posting as the night wears on.

Live coverage

19:36 – We’re here. Midnight Hour is playing and Tim Stones is still wearing men’s clothes.

19:42 – Lyndon Higginson is here. Any lingering hope of being productive tomorrow just evaporated in a puff of rum.

20:00 – The Star is filling up. No sign of our host for tonight thus far, but the awards have just arrived:









220:14 – Can we take this opportunity to welcome our international readers. Steve, Giuseppe and the rest of the Yanks – welcome. Chris Hysted and the Aussies – well played chaps, you beat us fair and square.  We Englishmen doff our caps to your Baggy Greens…

20:21 – Bar power couple Monica Berg and Alex Kretana just arrived. The music stopped for a moment while we mentally added up all the non-alternative awards they have won between them. It’s a lot…

20:29 – Here we go. Jake is wearing a gold lame suit. The awards are a go…

20:31 – Introductory remarks. “2013, what a fucking year… We lost our beloved friend Henry Besant. Please raise your glasses.”

20:32 – “We also lost half the bar industry to Australia. They will all be back when they realise Sydney is a cultural wasteland surrounded by fire”

20:34 – “… And more than anything tonight, we celebrate breasts”

20:35 – ‘The Gin Princess Tim Stones makes her entrance. Unfortunately, from where I type this, I can see up her skirt”

20:37 – Best LGBT. Nominees – Tom Vernon, Rowan, Mark Ludmon. Coco.

And the winner is Coco

Shut up and make me a Negroni, Nominees – Ryan Chumbawumba, Entire staff of Nightjar, Dan Hoobley boobley (Wife’s tears as ingredient), Gaz regan, all the competition enterers this year –

Winner. Ryan Chumba womba

TV Personality of the year. Nominees – JJ Goodman. Jake Burger. Alex Kammerling. gareth Evans.

The winner is: JJ Goodman.

Biggest Sellout of the year. Nominees – Matthew Dakers. Paul Mant. Joe Gunner. Pierre Limon. Pete Jeery.

The winner:  Matthew Dakers.

Fittest Rep / Hanger on: Nominees –  Camille Vidal. Nikki Stringfellow. Metinne KingKongKarilla. Rebekkah Dooley. Fabrice Limon. Shannon McCoy.

Winner: Camille Vidal. She’s not here, so Tim Stones wins!!

Worst Toilets – The Star, Trailer, The Rum Kitchen, Alibi, The Liars Club. The ANchor Bondi.

Winner: The Rum Kitchen.

Shittest Tattoo: Nominees – Hannah Sharmon Cox. Matthew Pommeroy. Alistair Burgess. Paul McFadyen. Timothy Ward.

Winner: Timothy Ward.

The Biggest Assets in the industry: Yael Weisberg. Emma Stokes. Shervene Shazbazbangers. Helena Fleur. Miss Kelly Brooke,.

Winner: Emma Stokes (Gin Monkey)

INTERVAL – Jake is doing a magic trick, he just Iced the whole bar!!!!

Everyone is down on one knee. We’ll be back in 10 minutes.

21:15 – T-Minus 3 minutes

And we are back. The next category:

Least influential. Nominees: Tom Sandham. Ben McFarland (the other tom). CLASS magazine. BarLifeUK.

Winner: Tom Sandham.

New category! Fuck off we never liked you anyway, Nominees: Dudb Dub, Paul Mant,  Jamie Kimber. Zdenek, Bex Almquist. James Coston. Dan Priseman. Will Pineapple.

Winner: Paul Mant.

The Repatriation award – (show will get shipped back first). Nominees – Dub Dub. Pete Jeery. Jack Hubbard. Alexx Hair Mousse. Paul Mant. Stu Hudson.

Winner: Stu Hudson.

Blue Ribbon Award – Most Tollerable Foreigner. Nominees  – michael Mannigoss, Jacob Briars, Johan Ekland, Adam from he star. Guiseppe Ginsazez (Mexico)

Winner: Johan Ekland

Leat Tollerable Foreginer. Nomination: Stu Hudson. Dean Callan. Will Pineapple. Jamie Mac. Steve Schneider. Philip Duff. Greg – the bloke who stitched Giuseppe up and we all hate him.

Winner:  Greg the bloke who stitched Giuseppe up and we all hate him

Monkey Shoulder iSpoons for the first 100 people here tonight!!

Nicest Piece. Nominees are: Dean Callan – Electra. Jacob Briars – Charlotte. Claire Smith – Dan Warner. Alex Kratena – Simone. Stu Hudson – Andrea. Amy Mercer – Barry Wilson. Isaak – Melissa. Mrs Loincz.

Winner: Stu Hudson – Andrea Montegue

Last award coming!

Lifetime underachievement award.

Winner: Pete Jeery for only managing to have one kid!

And that’s it! Thank you for staying with us. I hope you backed a winner. We are now off to get stocious, because drinking and typing is hard.