Roadmap To Get England Out Of Lockdown Announced

The long awaited ‘roadmap’ out of lockdown was announced today by the Prime Moron.

The ‘man’, who since Joe Biden took charge has officially become the most feckless barrel of piss in charge of a country, burbled his way through his latest announcement in the House of Commons earlier. Slumped, due to missing spines, on their seats the MP’s in attendance were covered with the continuous stream of hyperbolic manure which spewed forth.

A few weeks ago the country was looking forward to this day, the day when we would find out when life would be, slowly, getting back to some form of normality. Yet despite, due to a frankly monumental effort by the NHS, vaccine targets being smashed and R rates dropping it has become obvious in recent days that this ‘roadmap’ would be sketched on the back of a fag packet.

The plan is that there will be at least 5 weeks between each step, the theory behind this being that it takes 4 weeks for the data to update from the previous changes plus a week for the businesses in each step to get ready. Each step will reply on the following conditions being met:

  1. The vaccine programme stays on course
  2. The vaccines are working (significantly reducing the number of people dying or needing hospital treatment)
  3. No risk of a surge in hospital admissions
  4. New variants not changing the risk

What was expected, due to leaks to the press, was announced. Namely:

  • The lockdown will be lifted country wise and not in a localised manor.
  • March 8th – All schools opening back up. Recreation in an outdoor public space for two people from different households allowed.
  • March 29th – Outdoor sports facilities to reopen and organised sports allowed. Outdoor gatherings of 6 people or 2 households to be allowed including in private gardens.

What about hospitality?

Step 2, will happen no earlier than 12th April, is where we start. Hospitality will be able to open outside only with up to six people from different households, takeaway drinks will also be allowed again. There will be no curfew and no need to have food with a drink. Non-essential shops, gyms, hairdressers etc will also be able to open.

Step 3, will begin no earlier than 17th May, this is when hospitality inside can open. There will still be rules on numbers of people mixing inside i.e. rule of six.

Step 4, will start no earlier than 23rd June, this is basically full opening with nightclubs and theatres to open.

It is important to note that due to the 5 week buffer between each step if any of these steps are pushed back all others will then be pushed back as well.

Now this isn’t the news we were dreaming of a few weeks ago but at least we now have firm-ish dates to work with and the curfew and serving of food will be gone. It is going to be a tough couple of months before we are open again as ‘normal’ so now eyes will turn to the budget announcement next week where an extension of furlough and more support for businesses rates relief has been hinted at.

Around the rest of the UK more news will be coming in the next few weeks, although he did state they were working with the administrations to follow a similar path:

Scotland – Another route out of lockdown is due to be announced in the next few days by First Minister Nicola Sturgeon.

Wales – They are hoping that within the next three weeks the ‘stay-at-home’ requirement could be lifted. However no mention of hospitality just that some non-essential shops and hairdressers could possibly reopen in the same time period.

Northern Ireland – A review of the current measures is expected on March 18th. On March 8th pre-school, nursery and primary school kids years 1-3 will go back to school on March 8th

Fop Twat will be back on our screens at 7pm with a press conference and if there is any more details to come out of that we will be updating this article.