Not for Human Consumption

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again – “I’m no snob when it comes to alcohol”.

I’m not, I’ll drink anything. To an extent. In my formative years i was known to take a bottle of cooking sherry to house parties. My first drunkening, at the age of fifteen, which also coincided with the last time i urinated all over myself, was induced by blue curacao & lemonade. (A personal favourite that I continued to drink up until eighteen).

Lando... where's your cape?

I’ve drunk ouzo & coke UDL’s from a beer bong, snakebites from someone else’s plimsoll, snorted tequila, Manhattans from cans, ready-made TGIF long island ice tea mix, and perhaps worst of them all, Woodford Reserve’s Sonoma Curtrer expression. Yuck!

However like I said, I’m more than willing to try almost anything once. And believe me, in the United States there’s a lot to try. So here’s my top-five guide to the worst things to drink when Stateside.

Southern Comfort Lime

Oh Southern Comfort, how I lavished thee with thy lips through out many a underage gathering. Mixed with Orange Juice I still believe thee to be a tasty, refreshing beverage. But LIME? Come on!? Here’s my tasting notes.

Open up to scents of synthetic, medicinal, liquor. Tastes initially of lime cordial, which lingers onto notes of dish water and whisky. Perhaps could be used as a industrial strength fridge cleaner. IE: Not for human consumption.

Miller Genuine Draft 64

There’s something about generic American beer that is different to most other countries generic lagers. It could be the high amount of corn syrup added, or it could even be the fact they don’t actually taste of beer.

Oh, wait I second, I know what it is. There is no goddam’ alcohol in them! America’s -and I’m sure Australia’s- fascination with creating Metrosexual beers has become so rampant that’s its not just the slick-haired, skinny jean brigade knocking them back, but the whole beer-drinking population.

Homeless people, fathers, mothers, and hipsters alike all drink mostly beers without a alcohol statement on them, all badged with the words ‘low Calorie’ and ‘Light.’ Even the already insipid Corona gets the ‘Light’ treatment. The worst of these offenders however, is MGD 64. Only 64 calories per bottle! No alcohol statement means: No alcohol. Sorry.


For the uninformed, a pickleback is a shot of Jameson’s, followed by a shot of pickle brine or ‘juice’. I’m not joking when I say that there ARE actually people who enjoying whiskey with a glass on a preservative, briny, vinegar.

This reminds me of a certain rum company years ago who were trying to get punters to eat a lime wedge dipped in ground coffee after a shot. People did it for a couple of weeks before finally realising it tasted like ass, and the remnants of coffee grinding stay in your teeth all night.

Strawberry Acai Smirnoff Ice

Did you know why no one had ever heard to the Acai berry before a couple of years ago?

It’s because its crap. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Anytime you see a bartender create a drink with a exotic berry or fruit not normally found in drinks, chances are the fruit is not going to taste very nice. Anyone for Dragon fruit Mojitos, or Star Fruit Cobblers? All the good fruits have already been found and are already being used. This includes the Acai berry.

The good people in Belize and Peru must be laughing their ass off that they can off load so much of this stuff up north. This native berry found in Central and South America is tasteless, cheap, and a major food source to many natives. Rumours have been spread in the last decade of it being a weight loss supplement and also adding virility to limp men. None of these claims have been proven.

Now I’ve written in the past for my fondness of pre-mix alcopops. In the right hands of adults these things can be a great way of pranking friends, and providing refreshment at festivals. However, this one has got to be the worst of them all. Think fizzy yogurt. On the bright side after drinking, because of the sugar levels, you can spit down to your toes and suck it back up.


Last but not least I’m going to finish on Australia’s greatest export outside of the Bee Gee’s and Savage Garden.

Surprise, surprise the only Australian beer found commonly over here is Fosters, not only Fosters, but Fosters in a can the size of my head. You know what, I’m sort of OK with the whole just having Foster’s as the only Australian beer found commonly abroad. If I look hard enough for a nice Aussie brew I can still find a bottle shop where i can get Cooper’s, or Boags.

It’s merely the backwards way our countries products continue to market themselves abroad. Yes, I am Australian. NO, Paul Hogan is not the President of Australia. NO, I do not ONLY drink beer from vessels the size of paint cans.
Now, I could go on forever. Like I said there’s a lot to choose from over here. Special mentions go out to ‘Colt 45’ 40 oz Malt Liquor, Ed Hardy ‘Premium’ Lager, and Danny De Vito’s Limoncello, for all being appalling.

America, I love you. There’s so much of you I’m going to miss. I hate to dwell on the negatives, but the future awaits, and with it a day where I caress you with compliments. For now though, I have to get over this stinking hangover, all thanks to the aforementioned products above..

Now where’s my organic, coconut and pomegranate water?

Mmmm. Fishy beer.

BarLifeUK’s Simon Webster would like to ride on Tim’s coat tails with his own addition to this list:

I have many times heard people claim that Budweiser is tasteless, and I discovered in Vegas that the people at Budweiser have apparently heard the same talk.

Did they decide to launch a more hoppy version of America’s ‘favourite’ beer? Nope. Did they look at the production of the brand and decide the original recipe needed tweaking for the 21st century? Nope. Did they think they were making squillions and didn’t care what people said about their brand? Nope.

Did they decide to combine their beer with one of the most disgusting things to grace a glass?

Yep. Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the wonder that is Budweiser and Clamanto (with salt and lime no less). In a fucking pint can! I really don’t need to tell you how it tasted, there are no complex tasting notes to share. Imagine if you will sucking a bloody mary induced vomit through a sock which has been soaking in fish entrails for a week and you are half way there. It did have one positive effect though – I have never complained about Budweiser since.