By Jake O’Brien Murphy
Bar Average is a social-media-come-bar-pop-up that answers the call of nobody in particular…
Their remit is to peek behind the cheater bottles and ice programmes of the modern cocktail bars and champion the power of average drinks and good company. Think of the drinks we’re all too proud to admit to liking; Woo Woos, the mind-bending deliciousness of Colorado-Bulldogs and the rest of the pantheon of the TGI menu.
It’s creators and resident bar-staff are Marshall Seyler; a man-bear hybrid born from two Canadian Mounties dry humping on a coarse-denim rug, to a soundtrack of Neil Young gargling maple syrup. And the soft porcelain loveliness of Roman Shababa… Roman Shabablob. Jesus. Roman Shobobvolob… Roman that Belorussian guy in Fred Perry you saw flair that espresso martini from his elbow to his arm.
Roman and Marshall are amongst the vast number of migrant workers who make up the majority of the UK hospitality sector. Tomorrow, the 12th of December, a day dubbed by all parties as the “most important election in a generation” Marshall, Roman and countless other hospitality professionals cannot vote regardless of their steadfast contributions to our collective industry.
Not satisfied with simply sitting on their hands and hoping for the best, Bar Average have offered to cover anyone who cannot make it to the polling stations. “Tomorrow has much larger consequences than I think we can really imagine right now. It’s important that people exercise their right to vote and the shift-patterns of people in hospitality doesn’t always lend itself to this kind of availability,” they told me, in a brief moment the happy-go-lucky mask slips and shows a deep consideration of the importance of tomorrows vote. “We’ll juice limes and clean toilets for anyone who needs a spare moment to go out and vote” Hopefully not at the same time…
There’s a lot riding on tomorrow and as an out-of-work bartender writing about two hipster bartenders who like sea breezes, I won’t be lecturing anyone on party politics. Instead, I’ll use the flimsy pretext of keeping this about bars and booze in a badly veiled attempt to show what they really think. I asked Marshall and Roman to describe the Party Leaders as average drinks.
Jeremy Corbyn – Sex on the Beach. There’s a lot of things that spring to mind when you see Corbyn gazing over the rim of his glasses and sex is now one of them.
Boris Johnson – A red-party cup full of sewage. Accurate in-so-much as Boris was born in America and he is human garbage.
Jo Swinson – Cucumber water. Perfectly fine but there’s a lot of unfulfilled promises with cucumber water.
Nigel Farage – A strong pint of bitter. They didn’t say anything else, just that he looks like a knee cap with teeth.
Jonathan Bartley & Siân Berry – Arnold Palmer. They’re kind of relaxing and hopeful and every once in awhile in moments of clarity you entertain the idea of it.
How to contact Roman and Marshall
No matter how you vote, no matter how you choose the exercise your constitutional right to a say; please do it. You can follow Bar Average on Instagram here @bar_average to ask them for cover.