Sex, eh? Phwoar! Johnny Rotten described it as “two minutes and 52 seconds of squelching noises”. But it needn’t take as long as that – or it can be hours and hours of squelching.
Sex makes babies, meaning it’s vital for the continuing overpopulating of the planet. Lots of people do it – occasionally in big groups – and some even enjoy it. Right this second someone, somewhere, is doing it. And a musician is writing about it.
Call it nudie-prod, or call it doin’ the nasty: it’s the subject of zillions of songs. There are about a million for every time you’ve ever thought about gettin’ jiggy with it. And some of them are bloody filthy.
Compiling a bar playlist of top-quality, recognisable X-rated tunes is trickier than one might assume. This is because lyricists employ coy euphemisms much of the time: when Marc Bolan invites his “dirty and sweet” lassie to “get it on”, we all know what he means, but it’s not very racy. When The Pointer Sisters demand “a lover with an easy touch”, they’re being far too polite.
Yes, there are lots of ostentatiously carnal music out there, but the problem is that, in a male-dominated industry, much of it is offensive to women, who don’t much like to be ordered by a PVC-clad penis-with-a-perm to “lick it up”. Nor do they care to learn that a priapic rapper plans to be “bumping up against they kidneys” (sic).
The following playlist features only the finest smut. It’s guaranteed to be rude, but no bar patron will take umbrage. That is, as long as they don’t mind hard shafts of blue language and a greased fistful of conjugal grunting. You might not want to play these songs on Bring Your Gran Night.
Je T’aime Moi Non Plus – Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin
Sexual Eruption – Snoop Dogg
Sex Over the Phone – Village People
French Kiss – Lil Louis
A closer listen: Donna Summer
Oh, she can be mucky, this one. Hell, she appears a whopping four times in Billboard.com’s 50 sexiest songs of all time (which places Olivia Newton John’s Physical at the very top, hence its inclusion in the above playlist.) Many of Ms Summer’s sauciest moments drip from her classic Bad Girls double platter of 1979. It’s the sonic equivalent of slimy thighs and a sticky chin.
The opening tracks are the ubiquitous Hot Stuff and the campy title track. The rest are less well known but arguably better. The album goes like the clappers for its first half, before slowing to grind sensually through some big ballads, including the epic My Baby Understands. And then it’s off again to reach a shuddering climax with the totally arousing Sunset People.
If Bad Girls has a flaw, it’s the production by Giorgio Moroder and Pete Bellotte, which is thin in places and makes use of one or two questionable effects. (The brilliant Lucky features a noise like someone making a fart sound with their armpit.) But that shouldn’t put you off a thrilling work that fuses together soul, funk, rock and blues to surpass all other disco acts.