When future generations look back on our primitive efforts at fucking up this world, and pretty much everything within it, a few things will stand out in our favour…
…proving to them that the husk of a planet they have inherited was once a rich and bounteous place; The unaffected laughter of a young child, different races and creeds coming together, and not shooting each other, the explicit and implicit beauty of the written word and Frank Lampard.
But one thing, one crowning glory stands out amongst them all, even more amazing than Frank, It is the Gincident.
Now what, i hear you say through my ears and that, could be better than Frank Lampard? His uncanny ability to control a tempestuous midfield, dictating the course of the game at the top level, whilst remaining completely bland, almost as if he isn’t really there at all, is mesmeric, and clearly way better than Steven Gerrard.
And you would be right (apart from the Steven Gerrard bit), but you clearly have never been on a barge, full of gin. What’s the French for touche? Exactly.
The Gincident 1.0
The Gincident first happened last year, in laymans terms it is a gin masterclass on a budget gin palace, in terms of palacial then it is to gin palaces what Katie Price is to pretty. A host of the North’s finest boarded the boat and cruised like the 19th century equivalent of Asian guys doing laps in Subarus during Eid, but minus the ear shredding bangra/hip hop fusion as the ipod wasn’t working, and dead slow and that.
The Legend of Craig Harper, (which is actually a 3D Disney simulation of the actual Craig Harper), walked the assembled through Gin, its roots and peculiarities with great aplomb, and a lot of swearing.
I don’t know why, but people listen more if you use the work fuck as punctuation. Filling their delightful heads with juniper scented lovliness proved to be his undoing, as a mass of crazed crazies refused to leave him alone – Justin Bieber had not ‘hit’ the scene yet, so the loony stalker types had not begun to self harm to a crudely built Bieber ‘Airfix’ model as yet, they chose the Harpermong.
Ervin Trykowski was there in his official capacity as Bieber’s double – ready to catch a bullet for the man he loved, but they paid him no attention.
Gincident – The Return
There was a real serenity floating along the ship canal, the sun shining (even though it was north of Watford – i know, crazy), the birds….being birds, as the assembled sipped on G&T’s and discussed the gins on offer, but at that point we didn’t know how the night was going to pan out, so we can be excused for relaxing.
All and sundry disembarked (fucking nautical!!) and proceeded to sample the gins for the rest of the night, and most of the next day. And a great time was had by all.
So aside from attempting to recreate a (shit) rolling stone-esque reminiscence to a wildy heady time gone past, whish was actually just a party in a field, why am i telling you this? Because its back…. and may God have mercy on our souls….
This time it’s bigger and better, with the support of Gin flavoured Hero’s like Bols Genever, Hendrick’s Gin, Bombay Sapphire London Dry and Oxley cold distilled gin the Gincident 2 – Return of the Gincident returns like a punch in the face – the gin face.
In Manchester on the 11th of July and Leeds 2 weeks later on the 25th July the repeat presciption will be delivered. Gin, a barge, a Gin barge, a botanical BBQ (juniper chutney anyone?), a come-dine-with-me-style-cocktail-comp-O-RAMA, plenty of gin face and evidential pictures so we can prove it to your disbelieving selves the day after.
Win tickets to The Gincident
The Liquorists would like to offer a pair of tickets, with return train fare to bring a couple of you lucky fuckers up to Leeds for the Gincident on the 25th July.