Whilst deciding which late night bastion of joyous TV to watch (the choice being Top Gear re-runs, Big Brother ‘Live’ and a 1950s film staring no-one and about nothing) I came across an advert for a new well-known rum brand’s pre-made Mojito in a bottle. I have subsequently discovered that bartender friends of mine hate this with the sort of venom they usually reserve for men who claim cocktails are for girls. I don’t understand this myself. In actual fact, not only do I not hate the idea, I kind of like it – are you sitting comfortably? Then I will tell you why!
Firstly lets ignore the whole ‘it is ruining the reputation of the brand’ argument. The brand have launched it, I am sure they have spent plenty of time and money figuring out the plus and minus points. If you are so up yourself that you refuse to stock their rum because they make an RTD then I suggest you rid your bar of all other products that have committed the same mortal sin – bottled beer for allowing people to drink at home for example…. Cock.
Secondly, the fact we have survived so long without this happening is a minor miracle. Our friends the chefs have been putting up with culinary equivalents of this for years – from the simple stir-in pasta sauces to pre-made, pre-packaged microwavable Indian in a bag. Do they bitch and moan? Well yes actually but they’re chefs they bitch and moan as often as they breath. My point is the restaurant market hasn’t disappeared and I contest that all these products have done is make people appreciate the chefs skills more and made restaurant going a thing to savour. The best restaurants and chefs have prospered and the shit chefs have launched TV careers.
See? Pre-packaged Mojito’s are a good thing (make a note of the word thing in that sentence, as I bought a bottle of the stuff for research and let me tell you they are not good. In fact it resembles a real Mojito about as much as Piers Morgan resembles a real human being). What is ruining cocktail culture is what happens in bad bars and the influx of smarmy, talentless, undertrained, over selfimportantising (take that Oxford English Dictionary) dicks on YouTube videos telling the world how to make classic cocktails – or American’s as they are otherwise known.
If one more tanned (which is your first clue they aren’t a proper bartender), smiling, skin covered festering dog turd posts a video showing me how to make the ‘classic Margarita’ and reaches for a bottle of Sweet and Sour Mix… I swear I will jump on a plane track them down and explain to them what real sweet and sour is by taping open their eyes squeezing in dozens of fresh limes and dipping their love torpedo in Agave Syrup and setting an annoyed honey badger loose.
People experimenting at home isn’t going to ruin the cocktail bar industry anymore than a kick around in the park stops people watching the premiership or masturbating has put an end to sex – it simply makes people appreciate the skill and enjoyment to be had from the real thing.
So don’t have a go at poor homemade remedies have a go at the slop (the collective noun) of bad bars and bartenders out there. In particular at any bar which thinks fresh fruit is a group of gay guys who hasn’t visited before.