Help these people by listening to good music

Or perhaps it is the Comic Relief CD that you have had your eye on so you can do something good for the world whilst getting some new ‘choones’. Fear not because we have a way you can get some great tracks and make yourself feel all warm and fuzzy courtesy of Mr Nick Van Tiel.

A lot of you will know Nick Van Tiel, not least because his CV reads much like the tag line for a clothing store we can’t afford to shop in…. London, Sydney, New York – NVT by Calvin Klien. Van Tiel’s skills don’t end at his ability to make awesome drinks, the man is also a dab hand behind the decks (do they still call them that?).

To this end he has put together a DJ Mix of some of his favourite New Zealand music from the last few years. Now I know what you’re thinking ‘Music? New Zealand? Really?’ Well we are here to tell you actually, yes. Not only are there some fantastic tracks but he has managed to avoid any Fat Freddy’s Drop!

Nick has very kindly placed this mix for free as a download here however he has asked that if you like it you make a wee donation to the Christchurch Earthquake appeal. So get downloading and get appreciating some NZ music Bro.

Gratuitous 'hot girl with guitar shot' No.1

First there was The Music, daughter of The Sound. She begat Ostinato, a wailing, demanding, insistent thing. (Its name, chosen by learned fops in frilly sleeves, came from the Italian for ‘stubborn’.)

Ages passed until Ostinato was given a different moniker. In pits full of smoke and jazz it became known as The Riff. Soon after, it mutated in to a killer. No one knows for sure where the transformation took place. It could have been down on the bayou. Or in a crossfire hurricane. Either would have been appropriate.

To claim victims, The Riff first took control of the electrified axe. It was wielded by hairy acolytes of The Rock, resplendent in denim and leather. Loyalty to The Riff led to stardom, even notoriety, as well as an abundance of chemical refreshment and sticky young chins. The Riff spread like an infection, become an addiction – and it was well pleased.

Riffolution

Gratuitous 'hot girl with guitar shot' No.2

More time was spent while The Riff continued to shift and evolve. It sought extra disciples, those who were followers of The Pop and The Groove. Not all bowed to The Riff; neither did they all flee. Some adored The Riff; many others were cautiously accepting.

The Riff abides. It has many forms. It has structure, but it is adaptable. It has rules but ignores boundaries. It knows the people of The Rock will offer the warmest, the most thrilling and the most murderous embrace – but it does not discriminate against beliefs or values or weapons. It knows neither colour nor gender. It asks only for two simple things: devotion and volume

Daring reader, you can celebrate The Riff: place your feet well apart, raise you arms in the air, turn your face to the skies – and prepare to get LOUD!

Download a Spotify playlist

• Rebel Rebel – David Bowie
• In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida – Iron Butterfly
• Higher Ground – Stevie Wonder
• Purple Haze – The Jimi Hendrix Experience
• Torch – Soft Cell
• London Calling – The Clash
• Layla – Derek & the Dominos
• (Marie’s the Name of) His Latest Flame – Elvis Presley
• Le Freak – Chic
• Cherub Rock – Smashing Pumpkins
• Brown Sugar – The Rolling Stones
• Geno – Dexy’s Midnight Runners
• Johnny B Goode – Chuck Berry
• Smoke on the Water – Deep Purple
• 1999 – Prince & the Revolution
• Run Through the Jungle – Creedence Clearwater Revival
• Every 1’s a Winner – Hot Chocolate
• Green Onions – Booker T & The MG’s
• Kick! – Adam & the Ants
• Satisfaction (I Can’t Get No) – Otis Redding
• Aeroplane Blues – Blue Aeroplanes
• Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana
• Jealousy – Status Quo
• Paranoid – Black Sabbath
• Television – Marquee Moon

A closer listen: the missing masterpieces

Yeah, yeah! We know: the Ultimate Riff is missing; the one that goes “Duh-duh-duh! DUH-DUH-DUH!”. Also not here, the one that’s all like, “Duh der-duh-der dur-duh, a-diggle-diggle-diggle”. For the three or four readers who don’t recognise those, they’re Led Zeppelin’s Kashmir and Back in Black by AC/DC. And surely no one need to be told how brain-fryingly awesome they are. I mean… dude!

But – howl! – they’re not on Spotify. Nor are The Beatles, who when compared to the manly manness of the Zep and the, er, CD (?!) were little pigtailed girls in flowery dresses, but they could knock out a big lad’s riff when the wanted to. Day Tripper, anyone? You know it makes sense!

My wife has gone on holiday...

The biggest-selling tunes of 2010 were by several semi-naked woman, a bunch of unsmiling guys with daft names, some fey wankers with guitars, a ‘70s MOR band and a painter ‘n’ decorator. Most of them were bloody awful. And featured Katy Perry.

Elsewhere, not troubling the top 40, was this lot, who were great:

I Think I Like U 2 – Jamaica

Awesome pop. Great reality-check moment: “She was never pretty, she was only young.”

Let Me Be Your Cigarette – Dax Riggs

There have been unhealthier requests. There have also been worse Stooges-like tunes.

Love Harder – Ali Love

Ali’s got so much love to give. Even his name is Love. That’s how much he means it. Lovely!

King of Spain – Tallest Man on Earth

Dazzling acoustic guitarist has lofty ambition to succeed Juan Carlos I.

Golddust – DJ Fresh

Big Fish. Little Fish. Cardboard Box. All stuffed with shimmering shards.

Sex is Fashion – Curry & Coco

If an issue of Cosmo turned into two overexcited ravers from Shoreditch…

Boyfriend – Best Coast

Modest in scope and ambition, but big on charm.

Love Love Love (Aeroplane Mix) – Low Motion Disco

House track that slaps along nicely and then suddenly starts throwing the punches of a heavyweight anthem.

This Fucking Job – Drive-By Truckers

Being underemployed and having a crap car is a shite state of affairs. This country-rock tune, however, is bitchin’.

Beat Boy – Die Antwoord

Includes a woman with a penis bum-raping a surgeon. There is some clean imagery in this track – but not much.

You’ve Changed – Sia

Catchier than swine flu and considerably more desirable.

Hold On (Sub Focus Remix) – Rusko feat. Amber Coffman

Like a great night out encapsulated: a warm rush followed by shrieking pain in the skull.

My Denial in Argyle – Woodpigeon

The singer has a guilty love who wears Pringles sweaters. The tune is way better than the style.

Hood Pass Intact – Dam Funk feat. MC Eiht

Damn good advice for big-pimpin’ homies who plan to take it back to the ghetto.

Golden Train – Penguin Prison

This lot will be huge in 2011… if, for just a few minutes, the music industry can stop being a fickle bitch with horrible taste.

Sticky Situation – Ortolan

Has anyone in a spot of bother ever before held such a jauntier sing-along? The answer is, no.

Par Avian – FM Belfast

They want a house in the Caribbean. We get a wicked track.

Automatic (Jayou Remix) – Young Fathers

Edinburgh gives us grimy pop. Or poppy grime. Either way, it’s bigger than Arthur’s Seat.

Hug the Harbour – Emma Pollock

“We should have hugged the harbour”: hindsight with great drums.

FM Tan Sexy – El Guincho

Awesome riff. Also, it’s called FM Tan Sexy. What more do you need?

DOWNLOAD THE SPOTIFY PLAYLIST

Now that's hair

By the 20^th century, the globe had been circumnavigated zillions of times, and what was once outlandish was now commonplace.

Turmeric and whatnot were staple ingredients of the ultimate after-pub meal, which would be shovelled in to fag-stinking gobs while bums were covered in the soft, shiny, sexy material of Saturday night pulling-pants.

That’s not to say sailors were docking in Plymouth and Liverpool with no more than a few dirty shanties and the clap. In the mid-1960s they brought home something wonderful – and they didn’t even know it. Or so the story goes.

The popular version has freighters chugging from the State to the UK using box upon box of unsold seven-inch singles as ballast. Once on dry land, enterprising seamen would flog the vinyl to record shops, which recognised the wonderfulness of the music thereon: the sounds to become known as northern soul.

The name began as a pejorative term, more or less. Dave Godin coined it. He was a journalist and the owner of the Soul City record store in Covent Garden, who noticed that mods from Yorkshire and Lancashire were ignoring the new releases from black American artists and opting for the older, more obscure stuff.

So he told his staff, don’t bother trying to sell them the latest cuts, just give ‘em what they want; give ‘em the northern soul – which to this (probably oversensitive) Sheffield-born writer was a euphemism for “fackin’ ignorant northern monkeys!”. Had Godin been coarser, one of pop’s finest genres might have been called pleb soul.

Actually, why not? That’s exactly what it was: thrilling dance music for working class lads and lasses from throughout the nation. They would live for the weekend and then blow their wages on vinyl and whizz, sometimes not leaving enough dough for the train fare to Manchester’s Twisted Wheel or Wigan Casio or Blackpool Mecca.

So they’d hitchhike for bloody miles to stay up all night doing kicks and back-flips to heavy beats and high tempos (the sound evolved from Motown-like to disco-ish and Philly-esque, but was always a blast), and then they’d thumb a lift home in the early morning, their legs aching and their pupils as big as LPs.

Northern soul: heaven for the mind, hell on the body. Download a Spotify playlist here.

• Hung Up on Your Love – The Montclairs
• How Can You Tell Me? – The Flirtations
• Ain’t Nothin’ but a House Party – The Showstoppers
• There’s Nothing Else to Say – Sandra Edwards
• Touch and Go – Al Wilson
• You’ve Been Gone Too Long – Ann Sexton
• Ain’t No Soul Left in These Old Shoes – The Fantastic Four
• Come On Train – Don Thomas
• Blowin’ Up My Mind – The Exciters
• Soul Galore – Jackie Wilson
• 24 Hours a Day – Barbara Pennington
• You’re Gonna Miss a Good Thing, Baby – John Bowie
• Nothin’ Can Stop Me – Gene Chandler
• Our Love is in the Pocket – JJ Barnes
• You Hit Me Like TNT – Linda Jones
• You’re My Mellow – Edwin Starr
• Your Magic Put a Spell on Me – LJ Johnson
• Getting Might Crowded – Betty Everett
• I Hurt on the Other Side – Sidney Barnes
• Weak Spot – Evelyn Thomas
• Everything’s Gonna Be Alright – PP Arnold
• Long After the Love Has Gone – Jimmy Radcliffe
• Groovin’ at the Go-Go – The Four Larks
• Now that I Found You, Baby – The Mirettes
• We’re on the Right Track (Tom Moulton Remix) – Ultra High Frequency feat. Ben Aiken

A closer listen: Jackie Wilson

He was Mr Excitement, the womanising demon of the stage who influenced The King and survived two bullets. Jackie was one of pop music’s all-time great singers, and he should be remembered for more than that shitty animated clay figure in the video for Reet Petite.

He wasn’t always a northern soul giant. His career began in the ‘50s in R ‘n’ B, where his multi-octave range and classics like Lonely Teardrops (the last song he performed before dying in 1984) made him a superstar – and a sexy one at that.

His love of poontang was as big as his voice, and it nearly killed him: one of his many girlfriends got all jealous and shot him. For the rest of his life he had a slug lodged close to his spine.

Being full o’ lead didn’t stop him from busting the dance moves – drops, splits and shuffles – that got audiences frothing, impressed Elvis (who became solid mates with Wilson), and inspired the frugging that would be seen at speed-fuelled all-nighters in the UK.

After a brief career slump in the mid-‘60s, during which time he was an easy listening artist (but still managed to cut brilliant tracks like Doggin’ Around),  Jackie hooked up with Chicago soul producer Carl Davis, who returned Mr Excitement to the limelight, where he wowed with what would become northern soul staples.

Soul Galore, Whispers (Gettin’ Louder), I’ve Lost You, (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher, I Get the Sweetest Feeling: they’re all amazing floor-fillers as well as perfect pop tunes.

“funky” does not describe a microscopic studio flat in Fulham fit only for a self-hating wasp, a coffee table shaped like the designer’s ball-bag, or a publicity-seeking client’s latest piece of gaudy tat assembled by a foetus in south Asia.

nuff said

“Funky” is a description of the music made by LSD-addled space-dudes who wear boots so towering they’d make a steeplejack puke from acrophobia, and whose trousers are tight, sparkly and bulge alarmingly at the crotch.

Funk blasts from the lungs of hottie-babes who have never, ever covered their flamingo-length legs with a skirt larger than a wet wipe, and who appear to be competing with each other to be the first to cultivate an afro the size of the Death Star.

Funk is dirty, stinking soul: the music of Parliament, Chaka Khan and Sly Stone, not the Black Eyed Peas, Gwen Stefani and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Simply hanging out with Pharrell Williams won’t earn you the funk-key to the funkatorium, where melody and harmony take a back seat while oily percussion and riffing horns do their sexy thang up front.

Playing slap-bass or a wah-wah guitar isn’t enough to gain permission to land on Planet Funk. You must also be able to grunt a single “HURGH!” to make everyone within a three-mile radius begin to dance crotch-first. And you’ll need to be wearing absolutely massive sunglasses and a silver cape while juddering back and forth across a stage to a stripped-down, honking groove that goes on for three minutes past forever.

There is liberation in funk. And drugs and free love. There are also politics and empowerment. That’s why it’s so goddamn funky.

Feel the funk: Spotify Playlist

1. We Got the Funk – Positive Force
2. M’Lady – Sly & The Family Stone
3. Let’s Get Small – Trouble Funk
4. Below the Funk (Pass the J ) – Rick James
5. Kind of Funky – Kool & The Gang
6. War on the Bullshit – Montana Chromeboy
7. Give Up the Funk (Tear The Roof Off The Sucker) – Parliament
8. Stoned to the Bone (Some More) – James Brown
9. Early in the Morning (12″ Version) – The Gap Band
10. Getting Funky Round Here – Black Nasty
11. Nasty Gal – Betty Davis
12. Fight the Power (Parts 1 & 2) – The Isley Brothers
13. I’d Rather Be With You – Bootsy Collins
14. Dirty Mind – Prince
15. Shake Your Rump to the Funk – The Bar-Kays
16. Cissy Strut – The Meters
17. We Got the Love – Chaka Khan
18. More Bounce to the Ounce – Zapp & Roger
19. Get the Funk Out Ma Face – The Brothers Johnson
20. It’s Serious – Cameo

A closer listen: Sly and the Family Stone

If you don’t already know and love this lot of psychedelic soul-rock funksters, you should be ashamed of yourself. No music collection is complete without at least one Family Stone album. Start with the 1970 greatest hits package, which cherry-picks from the band’s early long players and one-off singles and is probably the finest 40 minutes of pop ever compiled. I Want to Take You Higher, Fun, Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)… every track is a masterpiece.

But the multi-racial, mixed-gender combo’s most famous cut is missing. That’s ‘cause Family Affair wasn’t released until a year later, as a track on the Family Stone’s landmark (and fifth) album, There’s a Riot Goin’ On (named in response to Marvin Gaye’s classic, What’s Going On?, which had dropped five months earlier).

It’s not the most accessible of the band’s LPs – Stand is the probably easiest to get into – but it’s the most ambitious, the darkest, the most militant, and the weirdest. It’s pretty clear that during the time of writing and recording, main man Sly Stone, a songwriter, producer and multi-instrumentalist, was very, very high indeed.

His love of being chemically altered eventually did for him and the rest of the Family Stone. They managed to put out Fresh!, which is all parred-down and kinda quiet as if intended as a comedown from the aggressive narcotic of Riot. The things started to go seriously wrong. The group’s seventh studio album, Small Talk (1974), was a bust and everyone went their separate ways. Sly endured, but lost his groove. Amazingly, he’s still alive, despite the cocaine, PCP, lawsuits and general bonkers behaviour, the lucky funker.

It’s a theoretical temperature of -273.15 on the Celsius scale, the point at which the laws of thermodynamics would cease to apply and toffee would be extremely difficult to chew.

We love scat... the good kind.

Using gewgaws called cryocoolers, eggheads have managed to make things really, really cold – like, almost absolute zero – causing molecules to stop moving, matter to achieve superconductivity, and Miles Davis to record the seminal album Kinda Blue.

Able to maintain super-chilled status without further intervention of any science other than that of jazz, Davis was observed to stalk across a stage, never looking his audience in the eye, while blowing into a pink trumpet to freestyle a 25-minute version of Theme from Jack Jackson.

He left this world of squares in 1991, when brief interaction with musicians of milder temperatures caused him to unexpectedly overheat and turn into jazz-steam – which, like it or not, remains all around us and can be exploited to keep bar patrons chilled out.

It’s especially effective on Sunday afternoons, when the psyches of working adults appear blazing-white when viewed through a thermographic camera. (That, science fans, is very warm indeed.) Cool ‘em down with Mr Davis and other hep cats: John Coltrane, Billie Holiday, Chet Baker, Nina Simone were all cooler than the hairs on a polar bears arse.

But you don’t want your clientele suffering from the aural equivalent of ice cream headaches, so make sure there are soul-warming standards in the mix, along with some friendly modern sounds. Stay away from the far-out experimental stuff. It could lead to customers growing goatees, wearing berets, smoking the hard stuff, and becoming wholly unbearable.

Or, you know, they might simply leave to go to another, less groovy bar.

Click here for a Spotify playlist, daddy-o:

1. Easy (Quiet Storm Mix) – Jazzy Lee
2. The Message – Ravi Coltrane
3. Basin Street Blues – Peggy Lee
4. Dancing in the Dark – Julian ‘Cannonball’ Adderley
5. My Funny Valentine – Chet Baker
6. Ted’s Asleep – James Taylor Quartet
7. I Can See (Ye:Solar Remix) – Jazzanova
8. Cold Turkey – Ray Bryant
9. Baltimore – Nina Simone
10. Wake ‘n’ Bake – 6ix Toys
11. Dancing in the Dark – Frank Sinatra
12. I Love You – John Coltrane
13. Refugee (Matthew Herbert Big Band Remix) – Oi Va Voi
14. Smoothie Jazz – Didier Rene Viseux
15. What a Difference a Day Makes – Dinah Washington
16. Robyn’s Blues – Dudley Moore
17. Sunshine of Your Love – Ella Fitzgerald
18. Moose the Moochie – Charlie Parker
19. That Old Devil Called Love – Billie Holiday
20. Wholly Cats – Benny Goodman
21. See-Line Woman (Masters at Work Remix) – Nina Simone

A closer listen… Julian ‘Cannonball’ Adderley

Julian ‘Cannonball’ Adderley

To be specific, the man’s 1958 work Somethin’ Else. It’s tremendous: a classic of hard bop by a saxophonist and band leader who worked with John Coltrane and was a long-time collaborator of Miles Davis. The latter legend is all over Somethin’ Else, which is widely and understandably regarded as one of the greatest – if not the very greatest – jazz album ever recorded.

Man, it’s laid back! The opener, Autumn Leaves, sounds, ironically, like high summer when the weather is too hot for anything other than cold beer and cool, bluesy tunes. It’s followed by Love for Sale, the piano intro of which has a Gershwin-like feel before a snare hisses and takes the track off into superlative solos by Davis – whose influence on the choice of material was major – and Adderley. (His nickname derived from a childhood corruption of “cannibal”, which described the gusto with which he ate his grub. During his early playing career he was briefly known as New Bird when promoters misguidedly tried to push him as the successor to the late Charlie ‘Bird’ Parker.)

The two players went on to work together on Kinda Blue, itself a masterpiece and a perfect companion for Somethin’ Else when played in the sort of bars that appreciate great music regardless of the genre. Not all songs have to be verse-chorus-verse in 4/4 time.

“Oh, no! Four-o!” “18 with 22 years’ experience.” “Life begins at…” It’s no wonder people feel blue on their 40^th birthdays, the messages on the greetings cards are real pissers. Then, of course, there’s the whole ageing debacle. It’s all downward from here: tits droop, arses sag, mind’s eyes begin to glance at the cold, cold earth beneath our feet…

I was searching for a 'mutton dressed as lamb' picture. Not quite what I had in mind, but too good to ignore.

Any self-respecting, mortality-fearing birthday boy or girl will be straight off to the nearest watering hole, with plenty of similarly aged chums in tow, many of whom will be so glad to have gotten away from their kids for one night that they’ll attempt to drink until they’ve forgotten ever having the little buggers.

Let’s assume at this point that the organisers of the birthday shindig have annexed your gaffe, or its function room, or at least a good section of the  bar. They’re probably forking out for food, too. So they’ll be feeling entitled to sonic entertainment – especially after a few drinkies, when this throng of paunchy, dressing-like-they’re-still-29 Toyota drivers are gonna demand a soundtrack to their revelry.

Not only will it spur the buggers to sup more (and dance badly), it’ll help drown out conversations about camping holidays, newest overpriced gadgets and the wood laminate flooring they’ve just in their back room. (They’re thinking of knocking through into the living room, you know? That way, one big room will get more light from the new uPVC French windowzzzzzzzzz.)

Chuck on an eclectic mix of tunes that eschews 18-minute prog-rock noodling, experimental jazz, third-rate gangsta rap and Robbie ‘Frigging’ Williams. All you need is crowd-pleasing pop, rock, hip-hop and soul, be it current, recent or from long, long ago. Offer a taste of nostalgia, a couple of tasteful sing-alongs, a small clutch of rockers, and one or two hip joints to make the people feel young again. A touch of camp won’t go amiss either, as long as the guests are comprised entirely of Leeds United fans.

Keep your playlist tight and reasonably short; these people can’t stay up all night. They have to get back to their homes in the suburbs to pay the babysitter and have a row about whose parents they going to visit tomorrow.

I know we've used this picture before, but just look at him go. Wicked.

Here’s a suggested bunch of sounds that’ll distract those ageing party people for an hour. It has been tried and tested (at the Halfway House in Earlsfield, south London. Try it. It’s nice. Order the onion rings.) The revellers flipped their wigs, and the rest of the pub’s punters were appreciative. Result!

Spotify Playlist

1. I Got the Music in Me – Kiki Dee
2. Golden Skans – Klaxons
3. History – Groove Armada
4. Goody Goody Gumdrops – 1910 Fruitgum Company
5. Hot Stuff (Let’s Dance) – Craig David
6. Brassneck – The Wedding Present
7. Crying at the Discotheque – Alcazar
8. Move Your Feet – Junior Senior
9. Love You Inside Out – Bee Gees
10. In the Morning – The Coral
11. Don’t Hold Me Down – Tortured Soul
12. Cobrastyle – Teddybears STHLM
13. Looks Like We Made It – Barry Manilow
14. Ooh – Sister Sisters
15. We Care a Lot – Faith No More
16. Collarbone – Fujiya and Miyagi
17. There She Goes, My Beautiful World – Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
18. Born this Way – Carl Bean
19. Big Decision – That Petrol Emotion
20. Stay Too Long – Plan B
21. Girls on Film – Billy Preston
22. Can’t Get You Out of My Head (Deluxe’s Dirty Dub) – Kylie Minogue
23. Starz in their Eyes – Just Jack
24. Rich and Strange – Cud
25. Quiet Life – Japan
26. Livin’ on a Prayer – Bon Jovi
27. Jump Around – House of Pain

Funny Caption

Kurt Cobain loved ‘em. They were recently described by an unidentified Yorkshireman as “the best band in the fuckin’ world”. Even Liam Gallagher has crawled out of his own arse for long enough to praise them mightily. They rarely trouble the charts, but they’re even less likely to let you down.

They’re Teenage Fanclub, a band of such excellence that even their patchiest work micturates from high altitude on to the current batch of axe-and-drum twerps (which is probably why Kasabian look like they smell of piss).

Since their third album, 1991’s bloody brilliant Bandwagonesque, the Fannies – as they’re affectionately known by those who rightfully adore them – have worked the classic rock sound of chiming guitars and vocal harmonies better than any band since Big Star (who they sometimes resemble on their early work).

Not one album – not a single one! – is worthless. The band’s shambolic debut, A Catholic Education, might sound like it was recorded by a rabble of glued-up 15-year-olds in their school’s canteen, but it opens with two crackin’ tracks: the surf-ish Heavy Metal and Everything Flows, the band’s first (and arguably finest) anthem.

At their best, the Fannies – four Scottish geezers with the not-very-rock-n-roll names of Norman, Raymond, Gerard and Francis – are unrivalled in their ability to sing about girls and feelings and whatnot while making a sound that makes grown men bellow hyperbole without feeling shame (see above).

The quality remains high partly as a result of the way the band work: three songwriters encourage and cajole each other to pen the best tunes they can muster, with each guy getting his three or four finest efforts into the final track list.

Even when they coast, Teenage Fanclub end up being brilliant, be it with their instrumentals (Is This Music, the final cut on Bandwagonesque, was used by Match of the Day to accompany its Goal of the Month section during the late ‘90s – which is a high compliment, for sure) or cover versions (The Beatles, 1910 Fruitgum Company, Orange Juice, The Flying Burrito Brothers and even Madonna have all had the Fannies treatment).

There have been collaborations, too. The weirdest being Fallin’ with De La Soul for the soundtrack of the movie Judgment Night. The best has been the ringingly gorgeous Patti Girl, a 1993 team-up with Alex Chilton that also spawned the frantic Mine Exclusively.

Teenage Fanclub (which is a brilliant name for a band, by the way) haven’t changed much over ten albums (so far), except that the playing has got tighter, the production slicker and the introspection more evident. That’s not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a good thing. A very good thing. Long may they jingle-jangle.

DOWNLOAD A SPOTIFY BEST OF:

1. Get Funky
2. What You Do to Me
3. I Don’t Want Control of You
4. The Town and the City
5. Sparky’s Dream
6. The Concept
7. I Need Direction
8. Ain’t That Enough
9. Cells
10. Everything Flows
11. It’s All in My Mind
12. Norman 3
13. Don’t Look Back
14. Heavy Metal
15. Winter
16. Free Again
17. Pet Rock
18. Baby Lee
19. I’ll Make it Clear
20. Gene Clark

A closer listen: Grand Prix

The obvious choice, this. It’s the fans’ favourite from 1995 that both Q magazine and the Observer Music Monthly rated as the 72^nd best British album of all time – which is more of an insult than praise given that Grand Prix deserves to be much higher up the charts.

Following the poorly received – though unfairly dismissed Thirteen – Grand Prix was regarded as something of a return to form by the Fannies. (It was the band’s first top ten album.) More controlled and better honed than previous work, it’s also more mature and leaner. The 13 tracks come in at just 42 minutes, but never do they seem rushed. They’re superbly balanced pop songs from the opener, the chunky About You (which segues into the classic Sparky’s Dream), to Hardcore/Ballad, the closer with a split personality.

After you’ve enjoyed this five or six times, have a crack at Songs From Northern Britain, which continues the Grand Prix feel albeit with a touch more acoustic guitar. It’s the album with Ain’t That Enough, the Fannies’ biggest hit. After that, try the rest.

Enjoying hot weather in a quality boozer is not without its dangers – as this writer discovered recently while sitting in a high-end beer garden in south London.

Across the way perched a bloke who was talking to his chums while strumming on an acoustic guitar in a faux-casual manner, the adult equivalent of those teenaged brats who play tunes out loud on buses.

One of his mates took a turn to twiddle a few strings, and then a second guitar appeared. Soon, the two needy tosspots were jamming together, playing nothing recognisable while getting louder and louder and more and more distracting.

Yeah, ok. This may not be a typical beer garden, but it was a good night, take it from me.

Enough was enough. This wasn’t their frigging living room; it was a pub, and people were trying to mind their business. A complaint was made. It turned out that Posing Pillock #1 was the landlord, who when asked politely to pack in the noise threw a tantrum and stormed off in a sulk. He remained out of sight for the rest of that Saturday evening. The big girl.

His wannbe-musician carrying on wouldn’t have been go galling had he played summat decent, summat summery. It’s what that sunny garden needed. There so many appropriate tunes.

Some are bleedingly obvious: Summer Breeze (Isley Brothers), Summertime (DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince), Summer in the City (The Lovin’ Spoonful) are as seasonal as wasp stings, peeling nose-skin and British disappointment at Wimbledon.

Other tracks seem to be about the season but fail to capture its mood. Sunny Afternoon by The Kinks is too cynical, too smug; the junk-fuelled Feel Good Hit of the Summer by Queens of the Stone Age is apt only if you’re Pete Doherty, and The Sundays’ Summertime is sunny, but it’s also brittle like an autumn leaf.

Speaking of the fall, that’s the setting for Wake Up Boo! by the Boo Radleys (‘Summer’s gone…’). But – damn! – it’s a sunny, sunny song. You need it now! You see, a track doesn’t have to be explicitly about summer to be summery. It just needs the right vibe. This Town by The Bees, for instance, has that lazy, hazy feel of a late afternoon in August with ‘lemonade on the sidewalk’. Blur’s Boys and Girls reeks of a Club 18-30 holiday: all frosty lager, Ambre Solaire and spermicidal lubricant.

Some tunes are even less obvious in their summerishness. Nevertheless, they provide the perfect soundtrack to waft across any tosser-free beer garden between now and September.

Download a bunch from Spotify

1. Summertime – DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince
2. This Town – The Bees
3. Wake Up Boo! – Boo Radleys
4. Summer Breeze – The Isley Brothers
5. Deadbeat Summer – Neon Indian
6. Strawberry Letter 23 – Shuggie Otis
7. Summertime – Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong
8. Summer in the City – The Lovin’ Spoonful
9. Summer is the Champion – Laura Veirs
10. Sunday Shining – Finlay Quaye
11. Girls and Boys – Blur
12. Stoned Soul Picnic – Roy Ayers
13. Graveyard Girl – M83
14. You Set the Scene – Love
15. Sunset People – Donna Summer
16. Smooth Operator – Senor Coconut
17. Staying Out For the Summer – Dodgy
18. Summer Wind – Frank Sinatra
19. Hot Fun in the Summertime – Sly and the Family Stone
20. Give it Up – KC and the Sunshine Band
21. On the Beach – Chris Rea
22. Fun Fun Fun – The Beach Boys
23. Porcelain – Moby
24. Make Luv – Room 5 feat. Oliver Cheatham
25. Dancing Girl – Terry Callier

A closer listen: Shuggie Otis

You’ve probably already heard Shuggie and not even realised it. Over the decades, the cat has worked with Frank Zappa, Ray Charles, Billy Preston, Al Kooper, Mos Def and Etta James – and he’s been sampled by Beyonce, Black Eyed Peas and no end of hip-hop producers. Hell, in the 1970s he was invited to join the Rolling Stones. (He turned down the offer to record instead with Quincy Jones.)

Shuggie started out as a musical prodigy, playing guitar professionally from the age of 12. As a young man he found minor success as a singer-songwriter, producer and multi-instrumentalist who straddled the genres of jazz, blues, funk, soul, electronica and R ‘n’ B over four albums released between 1969 and 1974 (before he lost his record contract and vanished into semi-retirement).

The one you need is the dude’s final work of his solo career, Inspiration Information. It’s sometimes summertime-gorgeous – especially in the title track – and sometimes it embraces freakiness (like on XL-30). Buy the 2001 rerelease for a clutch of additional tracks, including the classic Strawberry Letter 23, which was covered by The Brothers Johnson to great success, and the far-out Freedom Flight.

In the first of an occasional series, BarLifeUK meets one of the many part-time mix-masters who are filling bar dance floors across the nation every weekend.

What’s your job? Where do you live?

Magazine editor. Shoreditch, London.

When did you start DJing, and why?

1997: I’d been going to a lot of clubs and wanted an excuse to buy records. Also, I clocked that in bars it’s a bit like being the only one with the keys to the jukebox. And being paid for the privilege.

Louis in action at Turnmills

Ever make any cash from DJing – or pull?

Cash, yes, but massively outweighed by the expense (records again). Pull, no. Whatever people tell you, there’s nothing about a man in the corner wearing earphones who looks like he’s spending hours making minor tweaks to the air conditioning that’s magnetic to women. The few who do approach only come to be let down by the fact that, no, I’m not going to play Craig David.

What sort of tunes do you usually spin?

Disco and French house.

And what kind of decks do you use?

Technics, Numarks for CDs, and latterly a laptop – but most places will provide the kit. It’s always a relief to turn up and find a good mixer: Allen & Heath or Technics.

How often do you get behind them?

Only every six weeks or so.

What equipment does a bar have to provide for a DJ?

Decks, mixer, decent monitoring speakers near the decks.

Your favourite bar(s) in which to DJ?

It’s never the place, always the people – but I still hold a candle for the now closed Matt & Matt in Islington, London, and the soon-to-close Foundry in Shoreditch.

What do you drink behind the decks?

Beer, and not too much of it.

Your greatest DJing experience?

Either in the second room at the Gallery at London’s Turnmills club in 2000, or a wedding party upstairs at the Slug and Lettuce in Islington ‘99.

And the worst?

A wedding in Montreal last year: the decks and mixer both played up. I played the sound of someone falling downstairs to an audience of tumbleweed.

What track is certain to get a bar bouncing?

Daft Punk’s One More Time.

And what will always sour the bar atmosphere?

People out for a fight; sewage too, I imagine.

Any tips for wannabe weekend DJs?

Mix CDs, drop them off at bars, and try to have a chat with whoever does the bookings. Don’t try too hard to educate people musically, play stuff that is really catchy even if it’s not well known. Be very nice and low maintenance to the people who book you. I’ve seen talented people who only ever got asked to play anywhere once because they were no pleasure to have around.

Are you available for hire?

Yes! Email me at lwustemann@yahoo.com.

Give us a 90-minute bar playlist…

• Mercy – Third Degree
• Satisfaction – Helen Davis
• La Vie en Rose – Grace Jones
• No GDM – Gina X Performance
• Dancer – Gino Soccio
• Starlite – Disco Kidz
• Moonlight Party (Minimal Groovy Mix) – Fonzerelli
• Paper Romance – Groove Armada
• Mirror Dance – Afefe Iku
• 88 Keys to Love – Nathan G
• In the Beginning – Hool and Bruckheimer
• The Dragon – Africanism pres. Liquid People

Listen to a selection of the above tracks on Spotify

Make a fist and raise it to eye level. Your thumb should be facing away from you, as if you were offering the Black Power salute. Now fully extend your little finger and index finger, to give the impression of your fist having horns. Finally, take a deep breath and shriek – shriek! – the following: “METAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!”

Good. You are now ready to rock.

This is NOT rock

A rawk night in an upscale drinking house isn’t aimed at wrinkly greasers in crusty leather trousers and their girlfriends in eye-torturing spandex. It’s mainly for rock virgins willing to offer themselves to the sexy gods of rock: young (and young-ish) fun-lovers who wear vintage Motorhead t-shirts even though they’ve no idea about Lemmy’s real name. (It’s Ian Kilmister, mofo.)

The featured artists don’t have be nought but the evil overlords of hard rock and metal; the evening need not be full of Metallica, Black Sabbath and inverted crucifixes. There must, however, be Zeppelin. (In which case, Spotify will not be your friend). After that, feel free to throw in anything that, well, rocks – and in a way that’s either kinda dirty or kinda silly. Or both. It doesn’t matter as long as it has classic credentials.

Pick nothing too thrashy (Slayer’s Raining Blood will have to sit it out), but make sure there are power chords and bellowing. Singers who pronounce “woman” as “wooomaaannn!” are to be encouraged. Guitars are key, so no synth-led sounds. Punk is often too thin, production wise, but you’ll find that American proto-punk works if it’s thick with fuzz and filth. Few fair weather rockers in your place are likely to be familiar with MC5, mind.

Machismo is vital. That means nothing deliberately camp; glam rock’s a no-no. Save it for another theme night. Hair-metal is fine, though. Hugely coiffured guys like Poison, Twisted Sister and Guns ‘n’ Roses wanted us to believe they were butch (even though they looked like performers from an all-transvestite circus) and they did their girly best to provoke a manly mosh. They’re a rich vein of pub-friendly rawk.

This IS rock

Go heavy on the uber-classics (nothing younger than ten-years-old, please) so that customers can headbang politely – and throw in a few lesser-know tracks during which people can take a rest, stomping a casual hoof while they’re at the bar. You’ll be able to spot the few true metal-heads: they’ll be playing air guitar as they order their pints of cider ‘n’ black.

The following 20 tunes represent only a tiny fraction of all the ear-splittin’, face-meltin’, bourbon-drinkin’, sweat-stinkin’ sounds available. Many more will follow here another time.

For now, get this bitchin’ playlist on Spotify

1. Since You’ve Been Gone – Rainbow
2. Epic – Faith No More
3. Poundcake – Van Halen
4. Remedy – The Black Crowes
5. Breaking the Law – Judas Priest
6. Alive – Pearl Jam
7. That Smell – Lynyrd Skynyrd
8. Battleship Chains – The Georgia Satellites
9. Shooting Star – Bad Company
10. Highway Star – Deep Purple
11. Big Eyes – Cheap Trick
12. No More Mr Nice Guy – Alice Cooper
13. Rockin’ Again – Saxon
14. Run to the Hills – Iron Maiden
15. Learn to Fly – Foo Fighters
16. Bad Motor Scooter – Montreal
17. Motley Crue – Girls Girls Girls
18. Search and Destroy – Iggy and the Stooges
19. Black Hole Sun – Soundgarden
20. Livin’ on a Prayer – Bon Jovi

A closer listen: Bad Company

Paul Rodgers was the singer who gave the rockinverse that most delicious “ow!” in All Right Now. His stint as Free’s lung-buster reached its zenith with the band’s Fire and Water LP of 1970. It’s a cracker, but it’s amateur hour when compared to what came next: Bad Company, one of the ’70s first super-groups.

They were Rodgers and fellow Free bird Simon Kirke, King Crimson’s Boz Burrell, and Mick Ralph from Mott the Hoople (No Hoople in this week’s playlist? WTF?! – Ed) Their first two albums are awesome, dude! They friggin’ wailed! Big bluesy riffs, scorched vocals and lyrics that had no ambition beyond describing what horny-pony Rodgers was: marvellous!

Well, that’s not being fair. As well as Can’t Get Enough of Your Love and Feel Like Makin’ Love, there’s also the likes of Shooting Star (see above), which tells the tale of young Johnny, who aspires to be a rock-stallion, achieves his goal, and then carks it. It’s as corny as all hell – and it’s great. And so – for two albums, at least – were the Company.

Sex, eh? Phwoar! Johnny Rotten described it as “two minutes and 52 seconds of squelching noises”. But it needn’t take as long as that – or it can be hours and hours of squelching.

Sex makes babies, meaning it’s vital for the continuing overpopulating of the planet. Lots of people do it – occasionally in big groups – and some even enjoy it. Right this second someone, somewhere, is doing it. And a musician is writing about it.

This is the most expensive image we've bought so far. It was worth every penny...

Call it nudie-prod, or call it doin’ the nasty: it’s the subject of zillions of songs. There are about a million for every time you’ve ever thought about gettin’ jiggy with it. And some of them are bloody filthy.

Compiling a bar playlist of top-quality, recognisable X-rated tunes is trickier than one might assume. This is because lyricists employ coy euphemisms much of the time: when Marc Bolan invites his “dirty and sweet” lassie to “get it on”, we all know what he means, but it’s not very racy. When The Pointer Sisters demand “a lover with an easy touch”, they’re being far too polite.

Yes, there are lots of ostentatiously carnal music out there, but the problem is that, in a male-dominated industry, much of it is offensive to women, who don’t much like to be ordered by a PVC-clad penis-with-a-perm to “lick it up”. Nor do they care to learn that a priapic rapper plans to be “bumping up against they kidneys” (sic).

The following playlist features only the finest smut. It’s guaranteed to be rude, but no bar patron will take umbrage. That is, as long as they don’t mind hard shafts of blue language and a greased fistful of conjugal grunting. You might not want to play these songs on Bring Your Gran Night.

Download this Spotify Playlist

1. Love to Love You, Baby – Donna Summer
2. Physical – Olivia Newton John
3. Get Off – Prince and the New Power Generation
4. Perfect – Princess Superstar
5. Relax – Frankie Goes to Hollywood
6. You Sure Love to Ball – Marvin Gaye
7. I Want Your Sex – George Michael
8. Freak Like Me – Adina Howard
9. Sheffield: Sex City – Pulp
10. I Touch Myself – The Divinyls
11. Fuck the Pain Away – Peaches
12. Sex Dwarf – Soft Cell
13. Je T’aime Moi Non Plus – Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin
14. Sexual Eruption – Snoop Dogg
15. Sex Over the Phone – Village People
16. French Kiss – Lil Louis

A closer listen: Donna Summer

Oh, she can be mucky, this one. Hell, she appears a whopping four times in Billboard.com’s 50 sexiest songs of all time (which places Olivia Newton John’s Physical at the very top, hence its inclusion in the above playlist.) Many of Ms Summer’s sauciest moments drip from her classic Bad Girls double platter of 1979. It’s the sonic equivalent of slimy thighs and a sticky chin.

The opening tracks are the ubiquitous Hot Stuff and the campy title track. The rest are less well known but arguably better. The album goes like the clappers for its first half, before slowing to grind sensually through some big ballads, including the epic My Baby Understands. And then it’s off again to reach a shuddering climax with the totally arousing Sunset People.

If Bad Girls has a flaw, it’s the production by Giorgio Moroder and Pete Bellotte, which is thin in places and makes use of one or two questionable effects. (The brilliant Lucky features a noise like someone making a fart sound with their armpit.) But that shouldn’t put you off a thrilling work that fuses together soul, funk, rock and blues to surpass all other disco acts.

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Margaret Thatcher, the Falklands war, Dynasty, bleached fringes, the IRA, yuppies, the Chernobyl disaster, MTV, shoulder pads, the miners’ strike, Aids, Ben Elton: the Eighties were a horrible, horrible time.

The music, however, was the mutt’s nuts. Not that you’d know it if you took your lead from the endless stream of crappy ‘80s compilations and slaggy revival nights. Do not fall prey to them.

Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle..... press!

You don’t run some high street watering-trough for people with more facial warts than teeth. Yours is an establishment of some refinement. A tribute to the era of greed and synthesisers should be equally elegant.

That means no Debbie Gibson, no Shakin’ Stevens, no Dire Straits, no New Kids on the Block, no Bucks Fizz, no Rick Astley, and no irony. Repeat: no irony! Very few people of sound mind and taste want to hear overproduced, overblown retro-toss no matter how knowingly you offer it up. That goes double for novelty records. (Shaddup You Face? You’re likely to get yours smashed in.)

Try to be refreshing, and maybe even a little bit hip. With ten years of wonderful tunes available, there’s no need to be predictable by spinning nothing but Prince, Madonna, Wham!, Frankie and other bleedingly obvious ‘80s chart doyens. Not all blistering pop tunes were top 40 smashes by mega-combos. And not all one-hit wonders were Fairground Attraction, Men at Work, Ray Parker Jr and Survivor. There were some good ones, too.

Stick to pure-ish pop; ignore hip hop, baggy/Madchester scene, house, the ska revival, and what’s still bafflingly called indie – all of which bloomed in the ‘80s. Each genre deserves its own dedicated night.

There follows a suggested playlist (which you’re welcome to download from Spotify). Before that, here’s one last thing: no Billy Cyrus – unless you want an achy breaky jaw.

Download this Spotify Playlist

1.     I Feel For You – Chaka Khan
2.     Reward – The Teardrop Explodes
3.     Our Lips Are Sealed – Fun Boy Three
4.     The Killing Moon – Echo and the Bunnymen
5.     Hey, Music Lover! – S’Express
6.     Beaver Patrol – Pop Will Eat Itself
7.     Caribbean Queen – Billy Ocean
8.     Oblivious – Aztec Camera
9.     Politics of Dancing – The Reflex
10.  Prince Charming – Adam and the Ants
11.  Pull Up to the Bumper – Grace Jones
12.  Mary’s Prayer – Danny Wilson
13.  The Honeythief – Hipsway
14.  Love and Pride – King
15.  First Picture of You – The Lotus Eaters
16.  We Got the Beat – Go-Go’s
17.  Living on the Ceiling – Blancmange
18.  Two of Hearts – Stacey Q
19.  When Love Breaks Down – Prefab Sprout
20.  Johnny, Come Home – Fine Young Cannibals
21.  Pump Up the Volume – MARRS
22.  Love on Your Side – Thompson Twins
23.  Geno – Dexy’s Midnight Runners
24.  E=MC2 – Big Audio Dynamite
25.  Papa’s Got a Brand New Pigbag – Pigbag

A closer listen: Echo and the Bunnymen

When Pete de Freitas was killed in a road accident in 1989, so the true Bunnymen died. Singer Ian McCulloch had left the year before, but it took the demise of the drummer to affirm the end of the band proper. (Balls to their ‘90s and ‘00s reunion twaddle.)

The legacy: a slack-handful of brilliant songs and one flawless album in Ocean Rain. Everyone should own a copy. It’s brilliant from its ‘Five Go Spelunking in a Boat’ cover, via its big ‘n’ lush compositions, to the production by the ingenious Gil Norton (who was at the controls for most of the Pixies’ finest moments). The Killing Moon, My Kingdom, Crystal Days, Seven Seas… every track’s a winner.

The singles compilation Songs to Learn and Sing is only fractionally less excellent, featuring as it does The Cutter, Bring on the Dancing Horses, The Back of Love and many more songs that demand that the listener flail both arms while wearing a long, black coat.

It won’t be easy. It won’t be pleasant. You’ll go into the task at 4pm with trepidation, maybe even enthusiasm, but by the 7pm finish you’re likely to have irretrievably a lost a couple of IQ points – and possibly all hope for the progress of mankind.

Want this man in your bar? No? Better sort your tunes out then.

Down be too downhearted; you’ll also have developed a sort of primal memory, an instinct for what constitutes terrible, unlistenable music that must be avoided in your bar. The top 40 is full of it. It is never less than, ooh, 94% pitiful and never more than 6% great. The former, larger fraction is what you most need to bear in mind – and then avoid like it were dissolvable beer glasses.

Mawkish Twaddle

Let’s take a glance at this week’s 20 bestselling pop tunes. They include a mawkish charity single, a cover by a pair of reality show berks, two versions of an old Journey track, lots of what is ambitiously called R ‘n’ B, and the bloody Black Eyed bloody Peas.

Be assured that the people who buy this sort of twaddle are not the sort you want in your drinking establishment, because they’re:

1. under 18
2. lacking class
3. both of the above.

And the people who you do want to patronise your gaffe (hopefully) have both a semblance of style and a lust for crackin’, chart-style pop, old and new.

Here’s what you might like to give them - Download this playlist from Spotify

1. True Skool – Coldcut feat. Roots Manuva
2. Change Clothes – Jay-Z
3. Rubber Lover – Marmaduke Duke
4. Don’t Do Me Like That – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
5. Headlock – Esser
6. Confetti – Lemonheads
7. Blind – Hercules and Love Affair
8. Tuff Enuff – The Fabulous Thunderbirds
9. Downtown – Heloise & the Savoir Faire
10. Dead End – Master Shortie
11. I am the Dynamite – The (International) Noise Conspiracy
12. Free Yourself – The Untouchables
13. Rich Girls – The Virgins
14. Now ‘Til ’69 – The Shortwave Set
15. No Rain – Blind Melon
16. Hitten – Those Dancing Days
17. Golden Age – TV on the Radio
18. B.A.B.Y. – Rachel Sweet
19. Cruel to be Kind – Nick Lowe
20. Happy Sad – Pizzicato Five

A closer listen: The Shortwave Set

They’re a lovely little band, this British three-piece. They turn out what they call “Victorian funk”, which is a cute phrase, but it doesn’t explain much.

It’d more accurate, albeit less interesting, to say that they’re steeped in the quasi-psychedelic pop of the ‘60s and ‘70s, with its sunny melodies, vocal harmonies and swirls of curious sound.

And yet The Shortwave Set’s music ain’t anachronistic. It has its place in the now. It’s also very good. Try the band’s 2007 album, Replica Sun Machine, in full. It’s delivered one or two worthwhile and pretty hip remixes, including the Marshmallow Mike Remix of Glitches ‘n’ Bugs.

Go on son. Get involved...

There are only two kinds of tunes: belters and duffers. What the legendary Gram Parsons said about country music is applicable to all melodic sound: “It’s music; either it’s good or it’s bad; either you like it or you don’t.”

Just because a song is tightly composed, slickly produced, professionally performed and appeals mainly to middle-aged mums and dads doesn’t mean you should be ashamed to like it. Heck, not even the Catholic church demands remorse for enjoying the odd bit of what The Simpsons called wuss-rock.

Meatloaf didn’t always have moobs

We shall call it MOR or AOR. And we shall stand proud, clutching our copies of Bat out of Hell to our chests and raising our middle fingers to the pain-in-the-arse trendies who claim to only listen to “fashionable” music. Our credibility is of no concern. We are not ashamed.

The occasional ‘guilty pleasures’ night goes down real smooth. Hell, 1,500 people don’t risk a trip to Camden once a month to ride the area’s ritzy vibe. They do so to get down to ELO at Koko.

Of course, you shouldn’t – you can’t – claim that the tunes provoke guilt. You are welcome, though, to say they’re cheesy.

‘Cheesy pleasures’ sums up the sounds nicely, in fact. And who doesn’t love a bit of smelly brie? Well, vegans and the lactose-intolerant – who are represented among bar clientele as the aforementioned self-conscious hipsters (and who will probably end up performing air-grabs to power ballads, like everyone else).

So, smell this cheese (and download the Spotify playlist):

1. Love Will Keep Us Together – Captain and Tenille
2. Just the Way You Are – Billy Joel
3. If Not For You – Olivia Newton John
4. How to Save a Life – The Fray
5. Crazy Horses – The Osmonds
6. To Sir With Love – Lulu
7. Old Days – Chicago
8. Sex as a Weapon – Pat Benatar
9. Mandy – Barry Manilow
10. Paradise by the Dashboard Light – Meat Loaf
11. Must Have Been Love – Roxette
12. Family Man – Hall and Oates
13. Africa – Toto
14. Fool if You Think it’s Over – Chris Rea
15. Magic – Pilot
16. Angel of the Morning – Juice Newton
17. You Made Me Believe in Magic – Bay City Rollers
18. The Rose – Bette Midler
19. MMMBop – Hanson
20. Guilty – Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb

A closer listen: Billy Joel

The Stranger by Billy Joel is a terrific album. No, really. It’s the piano man’s wickedest kung fu – and it’s surprisingly light on the cheddar. The majority of the mega-selling platter’s tunes – Just the Way You Are and She’s Always a Woman, most notably – are of the ballady kind, providing nought but a mild dairy whiff. They’re complemented by the vinegary tang of a few cracking pop songs: Moving Out (Anthony’s Song) and Only the Good Die are likely to rouse a thoughtful rabble.

For additional classy 1970s MOR, you can try Turnstiles, which features Say Goodbye to Hollywood and the essential New York State of Mind, or 52nd Street (the first album to be released on CD) with its standout selections of Big Shot and My Life.

Anything from ‘80s Joel is best avoided. His work started poorly and got worse. By the end of the decade the singer, having insulted music lovers with Uptown Girl (not cheesy, just rotten), resorted to barking trite social commentary in list form. We Didn’t Start the Fire? We’ll burn down your bar if you play that crap.