BarLifeUK would like to thank Terry for giving us a tenuous reason to post a picture of Monica Belluci on our website.

OK maybe not… But let’s take a moment to consider our own invasion.

We defeated the Nazi’s, defied the Zulu’s, and destroyed the French at Waterloo. Boom, pats on the back all round.  But those pesky Romans took us over without a whimper a few thousand years ago, and they’re doing it again.

We thought we had learnt a thing or two since they packed up their chariots and strolled out circa 400 and something, but apparently not. Let’s look at the (Completely unbiased) facts.

1. Bartenders

It’s disputable, but to many, Salvatore Calabrese and Peter Dorelli are probably the two most well known ‘English’ bartenders around. But from here on out they will be known as ‘The scouting party’. As two young men in the Central Linguistic Institute for Teaching Observation and Reconnaissance for Italian Spies (C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S), they honed their bartending and personal skills to a point where they could a charm a man with their thumb.

After sailing over under cover of darkness, their training took them to the pinnacle of bartending.. The Savoy and the Lanesbrough Hotels. It’s here that their fiendish plan was born…. What’s that Pinky? Yes, to take over the WORLD (UK bartending community)… Duh, Duh, DAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Since that fateful day in late 87’ The UK has been flooded with apparently well meaning Italian bartenders, working their way up through the ranks… Have you ever had an Italian guy make you a decent drink? Yea me too… Coincidence?  I think not.

2. Back Bar

How many bartenders these days name an English Liqueur or aperitif as their favourite to work with? Not many. The Italians have a Chicago Bulls 97’ Rosta to pull from. (I’m sorry, but I love a shit analogy). Campari, Aperol, Fernet Branca(Who recently bought Punt E Mes) and Ramazotti to name a few.

The French and Spanish are pulling their weight to stem the tide, but for once, the English have been left wanting. And it’s not even through a lack of quality products, Chase have made an amazing range of liqueurs, Lurgashall make some tasty bevs but how many back bars have you seen them on recently? I have them on mine, but have I used them? Have I fuck. I’ll take my comfort Calzone any day of the week, and I bet most bartenders will do the same.

3. Advertising

Clooney’s doing Martini… Who do we have? A couple of fat lads doing WKD Blue. Cheers Saatchi & Saatchi, obviously in on the Calabrese/Dorelli pact back in 87’.

I know they invented aperitifs, and we don’t really do café culture very well here. And in all honesty, Italian bartenders account for a huge amount of competition entrants over here because they actually care about bartending as much as we do. And they all seem like a decent sort…

But we’re English, let’s just nick it and rename it something cool like ‘Before dinner LOOPY JUICE’ or ‘John Smith’s belly settler’. Someone better do it quickly, before Salvatore is Emperor and we all start working as bar backs under the whip of Gianluca, Pietro and Allesandro.

Paiiiiiiin

‘IIIIIIIIIIInnnn the blue corner, weighing 256 pounds, the saffron coloured murderer of imbalance….

25 percent and looking every ounce of evil, he dragged the Negroni out of sicklyville, beat orange juice into an aperitif, you got a drink?

You ain’t got a drink unless you got him in it brother.

The Don King of the drink world, the lover, brother and mother of every self respecting, non denigrating, bartender of ANY repute. Ill, Bill, Nil by Mouth Campari!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in the red corner…

Weighing 75 pounds soaking wet, 11 percent and looking more and weaker by the minute is the Italian stallion, fed on rhubarb and not much else…. The one… The only… (And let’s thank the Big Man for that) The Big bad troll Aperoooooollllllll!!!!!!!!!!

Or have we jumped to conclusions here?

Let’s look at Rocky as a template…

Rocky I – Apollo Creed (Campari) vs. Rocky (Aperol)

Campari thinks it can’t be beat by the young pretender Aperol because its strength is in doubt, however, as a cocktail ingredient; a slightly less imposing volume is welcomed…. Divided opinion so therefore…

DRAW

Rocky II – Apollo Creed (Campari) vs. Rocky (Aperol)

Campari realises Aperol can’t be beaten on ABV alone so tries to out dance, outbox and quite frankly embarrass Aperol. However, Mickey (Aperols lovely bitter notes) lifts it to a point that it can compete in the ring, and strike a similar blow….. Accompanied by a slamming soundtrack, and awesome final scene…. Aperol and Campari knock each other out, but Aperol manages to get up before the ten count…

WIN FOR APEROL

Rocky III – Clubber Lang (Campari) vs. Rocky (Aperol)

Aperol is king of the world, but once again, Campari comes back… Bigger, stronger and redder. After a tear up where Campari is clearly stronger (11% can’t compete with 25%) and gets knocked out, Aperol goes back to its strengths. And when it does, MAN you don’t wanna be Mr T… I Mean Campari…  Aperol uses its higher reserves of quinine and whatnot (I’m running out of boxing analogies) and wins the day. However, overall…

DRAW

Well gay

Rocky IV – Ivan Drago (Campari) vs. Rocky (Aperol) & Apollo Creed (Aperol)

Ok, you don’t want to be Aperol in this film…. Have you seen Campari? We’ve all seen Apollo die and Ivan say ‘If he dies, he dies’ Brrrr. Campari is a big hitter in this industry so whatever happened it’s gonna be a….

WIN FOR CAMPARI

Rocky V – Tommy Gunn (Campari) vs. Rocky (Aperol)

I have no idea how to wrap this one up, Tommy Gunn was rubbish, and I don’t want to tie Campari into that. Ok, I’ve got it, Campari was the favourite once he won the world championship, Aperol was the poor mans champion… But push Aperol into a corner and Mickey (Bitter notes) is gonna shout ‘Get up you son of a bitch cause Mickey loves ya’, Knock Campari out and finish the film.

WIN FOR APEROL

So there you have it. Judges decision 2 to 1. I can’t think of a fairer way to decide it…..

Rocky 6 you say?

Aperol comes out of retirement, knocks around Antico Formula for a bit, and loses on decision.

Make your own mind up.

A bartender in the making?

Whether you’re making the perfect daiquiri for Ernest or a sex on the bitch for a fluffy office girl… balance is what you really want… But have we lost sight of this highest of all tenets?

Sour seems to be wining the hearts and minds of bartenders, from the innocent ‘I’ll have mine on the sour side’ we seem to have developed an attitude of ‘If it’s sweet, it’s wrong’ Why? Is it a badge of honour to have our sours more sour than anyone else? Why has sugar become the next Noble Experiment?

I think it would be fair to say that as a bartender, I am slightly biased.

My drinks are generally on the sweeter side, and as such, I think, are tastier for it. If I make a drink for someone who knows a thing or two about a thing or two, or even someone who doesn’t, I’ll make damn sure that drink is balanced to within an inch of its life, but we can’t ride roughshod over the tastes of regular people.. Even if they ask for Apple Sourz…. ESPECIALLY if they ask for Apple Sourz.

I’ve sat in a Dale DeGroff master class where he has laid out 5 cups. The middle cup being equal amounts sugar and lemon, the adjacent cups being slightly varying degrees either way of sour or sweet. To a man, every bartender picked the slightly sourer cup as being his or her favourite.

Was this the tastier mix? Or was it a general feeling that if we didn’t go with sour we would somehow be less of a bartender?

This love of sour has come from a general feeling that the average guy likes sweet, therefore to define ourselves as the higher power, we will like sour , (and be a poet, but did not, in fact, no it) but it doesn’t need to be like this. Tasty drinks are tasty drinks, regardless.

I’m as guilty as the next bartender of picking sour over sweet… but next week, I’ll be hugging a packet of Tate and Lyle, and I hope you’ll join me.