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Although we did foolishly think that in the beginning, little did we know how things were about to unfold….

One cold hung-over morning (more likely afternoon?) in October, after the Opal Halloween Ball as I remember, I was kindly invited to take part in an ongoing industry style “come dine with me” that a few regular faces had been doing for a while now:

Suspects included Sara Nixon and Jimi Pearce (Wax Jambu), Stef Holt (El Dorado), some guy called Simon (BarlifeUK) and Mr. James Triffo (Spirit Cartel).

Apparently it was Sara and Jimi’s turn to host which I thought was convenient as I live just round the corner. We did the obvious thing and joined forces to co-host and after setting a date to start the planning we met in the only place we thought appropriate, our local pub.

Now, I believe it was at this exact point (or a few pints later) that night was transformed from a lovely traditional Christmas dinner to a spectacularly unusual mix of mad food, obligatory flaming drinks and customized party games with just a hint of “what the hell is going on now?”. If any of you know us then I think you may already know where this is all heading….

I won’t go into full menu details now as that would probably spoil the article! But this is what our guests knew at the time.

Preparation continued, and for the second and final planning session we decided the park cafe was the more productive option, simply going on the fact that last time we ended up seriously considering carving the turkey with a Samurai sword whilst wearing a hockey mask, turning a variation of a classic pork side into “chicken in sleeping bags” and making a crème caramel the size of a garden bin and flambéing it?!

The day of the meal

I had made an informed executive decision to go out to a rather large Christmas party the night before so wasn’t looking my best (said the expression on Jimi’s face), however 10am or not, there was cooking to be done and after acquiring the help of a number of my housemates the total to cook for had risen to 14.

Now I enjoy a challenge as much as anybody else but had this gone too far? I didn’t think so, but it was certainly a sink or swim moment, just one of those very, very long moments… It was damn lucky we had already constructed and decorated the 16ft dinner table in our hall the day before.

General catering, arts and crafts and what could have been mistakenly identified as a mad panic continued throughout the day. However amongst the sporadic shopping trips (mainly to find out how much stuff you really can fit into a Mazda MX-5) and overcooking the first batch of cauliflower into a fine paste, we were getting somewhere.

Early doors came far too quickly and our first guests started to arrive at the designated invite co-ordinates, I raced to “The Beast” (my 1988 Piaggio APE pick up) and put my foot down, I would pay money again and again to see the faces of everyone I chauffeured that evening, despite not even hitting the full 28mph top speed.

Upon arrival everyone was met with a group of estranged staff (part time staff at best)/housemates, waiters: Nick Newman, Jen Hill, Kirstin McLenaghan and bartender Mark Routledge (fastest bartender in the west). Drinks were instantly in full flow and while everyone was catching up in the kitchen…  The Admiral (Joe Petch), A Tiger (Jimi Pearce) and Yorkshire Pudding Chef Extraordinaire (Sara Nixon) were running around as if they wouldn’t of been out of place on a rammed Friday night TGI’s dispense bar!

The starters were served worryingly efficiently and to complement the food we served 70cl bottles of classic Bucks Fizz with large straws. We had to include several intermittent drinks, perhaps to act as some sort of palate cleanser? But mainly for fun, and the next one tore off your palate and left it crying in the corner…. We introduced the “Big Bad Blazer”:

• 1 x bottle of Goslings 151
• An oversized metal teapot
• Bitters and cinnamon dust.
• Oh and a match…

The meat was ready! The turbo ham joint, as some tradition somewhere must state, was paraded around the dinner table with fireworks strapped to it (hence the turbo).

Meanwhile, due to no fault or miscalculation of our own what so ever, the vegetables for the main were taking a little longer than to be expected, however whilst our resident foodie Tom Jubert was carving away we thought quick on our feet and started administering seemingly endless Port laybacks to pass the time.

The port bottle eventually ran dry, but just in time as dinner was ready to be served in true soup kitchen queuing style, with accompanying individual stuffing cakes and rather potent port gravy of course.

We do however need to apologise to Triffo and Anna as his vegetarian option of “Christmas Suckling fish” was served under the assumption they ate fish?! DOH!

To follow was the “Super Charged Sorbet”; a potent Hendricks, apple, lemon and passion fruit cocktail served over a large spoon of lemon sorbet with the obligatory tea set of course.

Desert was easier (partly down to Stef bringing an amazing Pavlova, thanks again), we scaled down the bin sized crème caramel idea and made a more manageable sized “Mulled Cider Sailor Jelly”, set on fire of course and served with sugar and berries.

Taking a break to look around our kitchen and dining area I realized we had not only created an indescribable mess but a lot of satisfied faces, blame the booze, the company or the food, we may never know, but I suppose none of these are a bad thing.
With great pleasure we introduced the beginning of the evenings after diner entertainment.

To begin, “musical cider bobbing”, a mangled version of musical chairs and apple bobbing, although we used cider and rum to bob a variety of fresh fruit and vegetables (including the infamous impossible coconut!).

I am sad to say at this point that there was a spot of cheating involved. For future reference; Laurence, you can’t carry a chair around with you while the music is on and Sara, using goggles and a snorkel is clearly an unfair advantage!

We had recently picked up a baby grand piano for the house and wanted to host some after dinner piano carols; however tragedy stuck when we realized we didn’t have enough people in the house to standup the half tonne monster onto its legs….. To this day it’s still saton its side… Not to worry as the finale was yet to come!

The Traditional Christmas Fish Piñata looked glorious in advance of its pummelling and in this slightly altered version, the person behind you covers your eyes whilst attacking the fish with an old rolling pin. This was all good and well until the rolling pin broke and hit the Tiger in the chest! Come on, man up Jimi; it’s just a flesh wound! Plus the fish came off a hell of a lot worse.

With our bellies full, cider in our eyes, the fish destroyed and not a shred of common sense left amongst the lot of us we decided it was clearly time for music and dancing long into the night.

Thanks to all who helped out and came along! Keep your eyes peeled over Easter: as I just had an idea…

A couple of comments

Just wanted to say a MASSIVE thank you for Saturday night – it was fantastic and the food and drinks were amazing! You really blew us all away with the amount of preparation and thought that had gone into it and showed us a bloody good time!

From being picked up in an Italian tuk tuk, to pyrotechnics, being facially immersed in cider and beating a fish with a rolling pin it was the most spectacular Christmas dinner EVER - Stefanie Holt

Racing through the dimly-lit, rain-covered streets of North London whilst balancing precariously in the boot of a three-wheeled Piaggio (like a Tuk-Tuk but less comfortable and safe)  I was fully exposed to the acrimony of a particular nasty English deluge.

Fearing for my safety at each twist and sharp turn over the traffic-congested roads I knew this was to be the start of a most unorthodox Christmas dinner. You see, my coach’s chauffeur, was also my host…

Any chill I incurred from my journey soon vanished as an enormous room-warming* 151 blue blazer (which burnt from start to finish) was prepared en masse for a collection of invited guests (of mostly familiar faces) from around the drinks industry.

The bottles of ready-made Buck’s fizz, goldfish pinata, quirky playlist and huge portions of handsomely prepared Christmas dinner set this gathering apart – with a unique feel that seemed more fun than forced. 

My only regret was not being able to stay longer. After losing out (at being the first loser – well played Simon) of, “musical chairs/cider-fruit-bob” the cacophony that was, “Joe and Jimi’s Joint Xmas Jam” drew its doors closed.

I have the feeling I departed before the evening took a turn in the direction of complete inebriation (I’ve now had reports back via next-day text messages to confirm those suspicions). Here’s hoping this was only the first in a long procession of disjointed and boisterous Christmas celebration.

Thanks again everyone involved! 

*The blazer literally raised the temperature of Joe’s converted warehouse/kitchen as it was being decanted from kettle to soup pot - James Triffo

The Monkey Shoulder tour 2011 was devised by Dean & the team to show the a bit more love to the UK & show off the more fun side of Monkey Shoulder. With the word of Monkey Shoulder continuing to spread globally with its recent launch in Australia & increasing focus in the US, it was apparent the UK needed a bit of the fun.

So a group of us from around the country were called to the village of Dufftown, Speyside to experience a few days in the life of Monkey’s (well whisky induced ones).

It all began on another cold winter’s morning, well let’s face it it’s been winter for months! Unsurprisingly we all made it to Paddington in time for an early train, I always find it funny how we are always on time for such trips but can’t always make it back into work from a half hour lunch break?

It was all rather secretive with nothing but a flight number and a Guinness orany idea where we were even staying. We landed & were met buy some “ministers” complete with bath robes & whisky laden walking canes; Stuart (minister for ministering crappy RTD’s on the weak), Jeevan (minister for transport, who had no driving licence), Zdenek (minister for responsible drinking) & Mr. Dean Callan… as you can see, we were in safe hands?!

We were quickly whisked off to lunch at a rather Scottish (in other words soaking bloody wet) go kart track, split into teams & let loose… Much to our amusement but the sheer despair of the track supervisor we discovered that some of us couldn’t drive go karts in the wet!

Hats off to Dean for completely beaching his kart on the grass in the grand final, the Czech’s driving like absolute animals & the quote of the day going to the track supervisor “That was be far thee worst I’ve ever seen oot there!!”

We set off to our accommodation, which I was pleased to find out were some of the original cottages within the Glenfiddich & Balvenie grounds all kitted out with the obligatory bottle & Monkey bath robes, I suddenly felt like I had found an item of clothing I could live in forever!

The next step was obvious; an evening meal in the Balvenie farmhouse, a cheeky Tesco’s larger? & a trip to the local boozers, & local they were! Some time later….. 3 pubs down, a few confused regulars and 100 & something measures of Monkey Shoulder polished, things were starting to make a little less sense!

Darts became an epic mathematical task (“I said 16+43=37!!!”) but the £2.80 measures of 18yr old were much easier on the head. Carriages home please for an apparent 8am start….

Quote of the night “What makes a Scottish person Scottish?”
Merry Scots Woman: “BEIN’ BORN IN SCOTLAND!”

So we all woke up at 7am sharp, fresh faced & ready for the day (believe what you will). But after a hearty breakfast & a chance to try some fabulous Whiskies, we were indeed all fine. On with the tour & even though the classic industry trip can occasionally drag on like a pair of elephants tits (mission complete Mr. Ives) this one was very different.

Perhaps it was the fact we were able to climb into 1 of 4 remaining working malt kilns or enjoy a classic Monkey Diablo cocktail prepared by Mr.Callen in the Balvennie kiln room but it has to be said that diving head first into a 2 ½ tonne pile of malt is a lot of fun, as is making barley angels.

We clearly needed a pit stop after this tough day of research so we headed back to rest up at the cottages (well it was 4pm & getting dark?!) Next stop, we were told to congregate near Glenfiddich Warehouse No. 8 where we were taken inside to be greeted by Brian Kinsman, Malt Master. At this point we were still unsure of the general plan but as Brian explained a bit more about the whiskies they produce all of our eyes fell toward an un-marked cask that was clearly out of place in front of us.

You may have guessed it was indeed Monkey Shoulder, but a cask strength barrel, ready for us to bottle for ourselves using “the dog” (a make shift tool crafted by old warehouse employees to steal a few drams! Hence; “taking the dog for a walk”) I’m sure you can imagine it tasted pretty damn good too.

Off for a dinner & drinks, in robes of course to “The Highlander” and what has to be one of the more impressive whisky collections I’ve seen in a while, including some very rare batches & a Glenfiddich bottling for Playboy magazine from the 70’s.

On arrival there was a short power outage in the town due to the weather, which a few of us suspected was perhaps the minister for transport crashing into an electricity pylon? The mass of candles that engulfed the bar added to the atmosphere perfect for some serious whisky tasting.  After dinner cocktails & a mountain of cheese awaited us at Charles Gordon’s summer house next to the Balvenie castle, this included a sterling effort by Stuart making a huge blazer in 20mph winds without going up like a cheap do-it-yourself vodka distillery!?

A tired breakfast later we departed back to our respective towns, most likely looking exactly what you may expect from such an educational tour. A big effort was put in by Dean, the Monkey Shoulder team, the ministers and us I might add, well as we all know; its hard work having fun. So, as a wise man (debatable) once said, “brand trips are nearly always great, but this one stood out for being bloody good fun”.

And rightly so, having as a whole earned their reputation over years of hard work. Outside of London there are certainly the old favourites: Manchester, Brighton and Edinburgh to state a few of the obvious.

After these well established cities come some of the smaller upcoming cocktail scenes, some of which have crept out of nowhere and over the past year or so Reading has been sneaking its way into a few of these said conversations. I’ll start by telling you a bit about the bar scene in this small 8th century home-counties town where I was born and bred.

Since the day I discovered the wonderful world of hanging out it bars (this may or may not have been when I turned 18) I have enjoyed the obvious pleasures of social drinking, be it in a slightly different kind of bar environment I frequent nowadays. Over time I became more & more interested in the bartenders & the drinks they were serving, although at this point I must add it was a very basic uneducated interest in spirits & what mixers to use with them.

In 2002 I went with a few friends to a recruitment evening for a new bar that was said to be “next big thing” in Reading, to my surprise we all got the job, I say surprise as our only experience was mixing up a snakebite & pouring an insane amount of vodka into partially empty bottle of coke.

Perhaps we were hired for our sense of enthusiasm but it was more likely because we were some of the only ones to turn up! Either way the idea of working with each other in a brand new bar & getting an abundance of discounted drinks down us sounded amazing… Welcome the days of showing up on shift wasted, getting sent home to sleep it off, waking up the next day late for work still in your uniform & running back….

The bar (that I won’t name due to the fact I eventually had to take them to an employment tribunal over underpayment & holiday. Successfully I might add) wasn’t great as you may have already guessed.

It was essentially a cheesy volume driven cocktail bar with happy hour prices all the time. Our training was vague to say the least & I fear this was much the case across most of these type of bars in the area at the time, there were a few exceptions of coarse, places such as TGI’s & Santé Fe seemed to be leading the way but I was yet to develop my interest in making quality cocktails.

I have no shame in admitting the drinks we served were just  a crude mix of a spirit, liqueur & a mixer all stirred with a straw over a few pieces of ice in the glass its served in, you were pretty damn lucky if you got anything resembling a garnish let alone a bev nap! Well we all had to start somewhere I guess, but I’m sure this isn’t a unique story.

After “leaving” I wanted to do take a more serious approach to bar work. At the time there were only a handful of bars that I wanted to work at for this reason, so came the turning point in my bartending career, starting in Sahara Bar, a small recently opened independent cocktail bar with people who really did care about drinks they made & actually knew how to make them, suddenly I felt like I had a lot to learn!

More independent cocktail lead bars started to open (Mix & Cerise to name a couple) , it was an exiting time as the competitiveness amongst bartenders grew, so as did the knowledge & skill of the bar teams. In 2004/5 (I can’t exactly remember) came what I believe to be the first “open to all” bartender competition in Reading, which to this day I am still unsure how I managed to place first in.

It seemed to be a point of realization to many of us as young bartenders that maybe entering the national competitions may not be a complete waste of time after all. Cocktail sales & the consumer demand for an increased amount of quality drinks fuelled the fire & bars became more & more creative, I’m not saying for a second saying we were leading the way in cocktail making technology, far from it in fact but we were making a LOT of drinks properly & equally if not more importantly with pride.

Things were looking up as the drinks offering increased & along with healthy competition between venues that did have a good cocktail menu meant that the mentality towards cocktail bars moved away from the stereo typical “I’m not drinking out that girlie glass” to a more open minded attitude towards drinking good drinks & not just a “oh, whatever’s on tap” response to who ever was buying a round. Saying that, there is probably some truth in saying that without this change in attitude amongst Reading’s drinkers many of us would not be where we are today.

So here we are now in 2011 & things are certainly looking up for this suburban town 24mins west of London Paddington. Drinks have been made & competitions won; to mention but a few winners; Dan Bovey’s cocktail for the Chambord Rendezvous dinner, Ash Jones went to Cognac with Cask & also to Tennessee, Dean McGregor bagged a trip to tales of the cocktail & I made some weird drinks at a molecular comp.

The local bartender competitions have been huge successes with an obvious increase in skill & creativity almost every time one is held. Of the few I have arranged back home it is apparent that the bar teams are thinking a hell of lot more about the drinks than just slapping on a fancy garnish.

The First Drinks “Winner takes all” (back bar) competition was won by Maciej Szajda, The Russian Standard Bloody Mary duel off was taken by Glenn Savaille & Ketel One’s competition by Rich Williams. So next time your heading down to Reading to take part in the Half Marathon, The Rock Festival or a London Irish game you can feel safer in the fact that if you go into a decent cocktail bar & order a cocktail, you wont be given something that looks like it was made by some kids in a park!

In summary I feel it’s fair to say that it’s certainly not the last we have heard from this small town & although it most certainly won’t take over the cocktail world, it’s a damn site better than when I started out in bars!

I have almost always found preparing for any cocktail competition is stressful enough, especially when you want to be the one that stands out. Everything from having a damn fancy piece of glassware to a slick routine can win over the judges, but as for the molecular mixology competition I wanted to avoid conventional glassware altogether.

Sourcing most items is easy, for example a quick look online in the right places can unearth many oddities & exotic ingredients, even a trip to a handful of charity shops can lead to some of the most unusual drinking vessels out there. I have been told that reason I made things harder for myself during the competition is that I think of what I want to achieve first & then set about doing it with next to no idea if it would actually work in reality.

The Heats

Which came first the Tomato plant or the egg? Well the egg actually

The drinks for the competition heats were defiantly stumbled upon; while making coconut & mango fried eggs last March, as you do, I said to somebody present at the time “I’m going to put that in an egg shell”, again with no regard or thought into if I could do this let alone get the egg white to set hard around the soft yolk. The only way I can describe what happened next was a lengthy kitchen session of trial & error involving me, lots of rum, a camping stove, an industrial size box of eggs, Coconut Cream, Mango Puree & Agar…..

Eventually it came together very well but presenting an egg on a table isn’t quite enough, certainly not for a competition. Finding all the extras can, I feel, be the most difficult; the best spoon, wooden board, egg cup etc. They have to go visually well together to complete the look. Luckily it went off without a hitch, the only worrying part of the comp was after I presented the cocktail to the judges & cracked the egg open to find out if it worked, seeing as you can’t check beforehand I’m sure you can imagine the phrase “moment of truth” swirling round my head with all the rum I’d drunk at the Imbibe Bar Show just a few hours before.

The Final

Have your glass and eat it

Once I had made it through to the final I decided to enter an edible martini glass as my first drink, I thought I’d just look online & one would just pop out in Google shopping, not a chance. I emailed a few plastics & mould making companies but the quotes were often more than 1^st prize! So I went about trying to make my own & 13-14 attempts later found that a small gardener’s funnel inside an old latte glass from the back of my cupboard with a 35mm film pot in the bottom as a base worked fairly well as a mould….

Certainly sourcing a film set fake tomato plant was one of the more challenging items to tick off the list. After not much luck with the internet search again I was almost tempted to start growing one myself but a last ditch email to a film set designers came up trumps so I drove out to west Berkshire to collect. After driving around with it I the boot for a few days I started chopping off the fake toms & trying to work out how the hell I was going to attach the real ones.

As I mentioned before just presenting the main item didn’t seem enough to me so thinking about what goes well with tomatoes I instantly thought of cheese, however incorporating El Dorado was a little worrying as I’d never really had rum & cheese! The first few batches were foul, I mean really awful, either too much rum or too much Agar I think, it was like eating alcoholic cheese flavoured Soya. I pressed on & a few camembert later had the perfect mix of 12yr old rum, basil paste, salt & pepper. I think it may have even tasted better than some of the tomatoes if I’m honest, but then again I do love cheese.

Ironically plastic Tomato plant's don't grow on tree's

The cucumber & shaped toast were both very last minute editions after thinking the wooden chopping board looked a bit empty with just the cheese & a knife. I originally wanted to heat up copper wire with a blow torch & brand water biscuits with the El Dorado logo – this doesn’t work. I settled with bread cut out to letters & blowtorched to toast on the day of the comp as a toaster isn’t the smallest thing to carry around with you especially when also carrying a 4ft plant.

The cucumber was just a bit of an experiment with Hendricks Gin, Tonic, Sugar and Agar. I scooped out & replacing the middle a solidified version of the iconic Gin & Tonic with cucumber. It looked & tasted great so I thought it deserved a place on “The Big Bartenders Brunch”.

Turned out to be a great competition & I almost can’t wait until the next time it’s held, I think everyone had great ideas to show off all day. Well done to Jon & Quentin for placing 1^st & 2^nd