I happened to have picked this bar specially, not just because I know it does good drinks but more specifically because I knew a certain bartender was working there. This guy makes damn fine drinks, one of those talented ass hats who seem to be able to perfectly balance a drink every time, after presumably selling his sole or members of his family to the devil.

Anyway it was a bit of a trek and by the time I got there I was really looking forward to my hand-crafted cocktail, one made just for me with that care and attention that makes ordering a good drink the enjoyable experience it is. Then something happened, I didn’t see it coming, it blindsided me, left me at a loss for words and the conversation went something like this:

Him “Hello my good man, how are you today?”

It seems he had taken to talking, as well as dressing like, a 1920’s spiv but hey let’s not hold that against him, he is creating a persona, one that he hopes will get him extra tips from his loyal customers. I mean who wouldn’t tip a time travelling bartender?

Me “I’m very well thank you old boy but damned parched”

Hmmm it seems twat talk is infectious

Him “Well let’s get that fixed for you right away. Let me grab you our cocktail menu”

Me “Thanks, I’m pretty sure I know what I want but I’d love to have a look and maybe a beer whilst I do.”

After a little flick through the menu nothing took my fancy away from my original thought, sometimes you just have a hankering and today that hankering was strong I wanted a Rye Manhattan so I ordered one.

Me “Can I order a Rye Manhattan please?

See.

Him “Certainly sir would you like…” I knew the question that was coming – sweet, dry or perfect, I had my answer ready to go “….our barrel aged Manhattan?”

Me “Sweet please….”

Both of us “What?”

Me “Did you ask me if I wanted a barrel aged Manhattan?”
Him “Yes sir it’s the latest trend in mixology”

Latest trend it may be but as a concept it has been around for more than 100 years and was re-introduced by Tony C ages ago but this wasn’t the time to open up that can of bartender one up-man-ship worms. I was thirsty I wanted a Manhattan.

Me “The Rye that you are going to use in my Manhattan, was that aged in barrels?”
Him “Yes I believe so.”
Me “Presumably by someone with decades of experience at his job who probably learnt his trade from his father. However you think you can do a better ageing job on his product?”
Him “Yes…. Well no. It’s the whole cocktail that’s aged it isn’t ‘better’ it’s just ‘different’”
Me “Ahhh I see so it is taking the Manhattan cocktail and making it taste different?”
Him “Yes, yes that’s it”

It appeared he was happy again now.

Me “Excellent. In that case can I have a Rye Manhattan, sweet please?”
Him “Ummm… Barrel aged?”
Me “Ohhhh for F@”*s sake…..”

My beef isn’t with this bartender (hence me not naming him) and for the record the Manhattan he MADE me was awesome. My beef is with this barrel aged cocktail thing. In this industry we seem to have become obsessed with the notion that the longer something is aged the better it is.

Balls! For a start I (and I am willing to bet most of you if you’re honest with yourselves) almost always prefer the mid aged rum in a range over the excessively aged product. A product should be aged the right amount of time not the longest and as with most things in the world we all have different opinions on what that right amount of time is per product. Some may prefer the Glenfiddich 12 over it’s equally well loved and expertly made brother the Glenfiddich 18.

Mmmmm yes please....

It is this that makes ordering a cocktail so much fun and more importantly so personal and individual. Two people may come into your bar, let’s make them twins, let’s make them Swedish, let’s make them leggy and blonde and….. okay too much detail.

Two people come into your bar, both the same age, same job, same taste in music and films, same desire for a drink, they both order an Old Fashioned one prefers it with Makers and the other with Four Roses are either of them wrong? Well yes actually, they both are, it should be Woodford Reserve but still it is their choice, their right to choose the bourbon they prefer.

Barrel Aged Cocktails take that choice away from them. Barrel Aged cocktails give that choice to a bartender who has never met them and who probably isn’t the person serving them in the bar.

Part of the joy of having a cocktail in a top bar is having it made freshly for you, by a human, using his or her skill and ability to adjust it slightly to suit each individual customers preference.

There are two categories when it comes to aged cocktails – barrel aged and bottle aged. First up let’s get this out of the way… bottle aged cocktails are RTD’s, fuck off and move on.

Barrel aged cocktails however make a little more sense, the time spent in these barrels will alter the taste slightly with oxidation and extraction (although how much of this goes on in a short period of time in a barrel which probably last had a spirit in it in weeks if not months ago I question).

I am not arguing that they change the taste of the cocktail slightly and I am sure that some people prefer it like that but this is surely not the point. What happened to the craft of the bartender? One person makes the mix up and puts it in a barrel, that takes away the individuality of the drink. Of course a great bar should look for consistency in its drinks no matter who is serving you but there is also the little something different that each bartender brings to the drink that makes the experience fun and unique.

People will argue that Barrel Aged Cocktails are fun and unique as well, and yes right now they are because they are new and still reasonably rare. My worry with this is the fact that the cocktail itself is 100% responsible for this and the bartender 0% – that is a scary world as far as I am concerned.

Sure bars only have a few of these drinks on their lists at the moment but let’s allow our minds to go wild for a second and imagine that some bar owners are only in the business to make money (I know, I know a crazy concept but bear with me). A greedy bar owner must be loving the thought of this Barrel Aged Cocktail trend really taking off, let’s imagine a series of bars only serving Barrel Aged Cocktails…

Only one really talented and therefore expensive bartender to employ to make up the cocktails to put in the barrels, the rest can be service staff and therefore cheap. The products are all pre-made meaning, except for a little bit of fresh fruit for garnish, waste will be almost non-existent, meaning less costs.

The drinks can be made in bulk and shipped off to the various venues which means massive cost savings. Oh and let’s not forget people charge extra for Barrel Aged Cocktails so extra money there too. A millionaire is born. Another MacDonalds or Wetherspoons enters the high streets.

Across the country, bars shut, bartenders struggle to find work, suddenly the street corners are full of people with signs saying ‘Will Flair for Cash’ and Big Issue sellers hold out small silver trays.  Our wonderful industry starts to crumble and whose fault is it? Yours, yours for offering me that fucking Barrel Aged Manhattan you fuck stick….

Okay that might be a little extreme, but not beyond the relms of possibility after all if you look back to when ageing cocktails first began a decade or so ago it was done to help speed up service and keep consistence, basically to create a service bar, basically to create the above concept.

Experimentation is fun and new trends are what has kept this industry so damn interesting over the years but let’s not get carried away. Barrel Aged Cocktails do nothing for me but then neither does Jake Gyllenhaal and I believe he is surprisingly popular too, but let’s make sure they are additions to a bars offering and don’t take away from the main attraction in the best venues – the staff that work there.

I also saw that my windows needed washing but decided against that hour of fun and instead headed up the road for a cup of coffee in the sun.

I bounded up the street with summery tunes playing in my earphones (Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince Summertime ohhhhhhhh yeah), helped an old lady into the road, put a young girl’s cat up in a tree, jammed a blind guy in a revolving door and generally had a great time. With a copy of the new ‘i’ newspaper in hand I sat down to have my coffee and watch the world and lady’s bottoms go by.

Within 5 minutes I had spat coffee over myself and was ready to kill. Why? Well some piss ant Ph.D. had done research on mixing the perfect Bloody Mary and had the underused balls to get newspapers to print the findings.

This is obviously not Dr Da Costa..... obviously

Now don’t think me an irrational drinks snob here, it wasn’t the fact that scientists had decided to have a look at the world of cocktails that had enraged me, nor was it the fact that they had decided in their wisdom that the Bloody Mary was the ‘ultimate cocktail challenge’ due to the fact it ‘is the most complex cocktail for flavour chemistry’.

Personally I would say the amount of ingredients and the high degree of personal taste involved (leading a lot of bars to offer extra ingredients to customers allow for personal adjustment – something you don’t see in many if any other cocktails) lead it to be one of the less challenging cocktails out there.

No, what enraged me were the conclusions Dr Neil Da Costa came to after his, presumably, reasonably thorough research. Dr De Costa is a ‘flavour expert’ (seeing as he is also American I guess I should say ‘flavor expert’) and works at the International Flavors & Fragrances Inc – which for legal reasons I can’t say makes him a tosser but…

The conclusions the good Doc came to:

• First and foremost use fresh ingredients as the drink is ‘highly unstable’ (which presumably explains all those early morning explosions in bars leading to, quite literally, red faces) and needs to be served as soon as made
• Use lots of ice (at this point the coffee exited my mouth and found a new home in my crotch area)
• Use good quality tomato juice
• You can however use cheap vodka

Now despite literally minutes of research on the net I couldn’t find out how long Doctor Obvious spent coming to these conclusions but if it was any longer than 10 minutes (which I estimate to be the length of time it would take to ask a bartender and have him explain the answer) then he wasted a whole lot of time.

To top it all off I don’t even agree with point 4, sure don’t use a top shelf brand but for god’s sake don’t use some own brand crap either, if the drink is balanced well then there should be a hit from the vodka and you still want that hit to taste good.

After a quick visit to the A&E to have my scolded crotch dabbed by a very nice nurse with soft hands and even softer eyes (I must remember to send Staff Nurse Jeff a thank you card) I went home and decided it would only be right to make myself a Bloody Mary.

I, of course, popped into a shop on the way home to buy the cheapest tomato juice I could find, which I mixed with Sainsbury’s own brand vodka, no ice and left in the sun for 2 hours before drinking. It was shit. If only I had remembered that great life changing advice.

I use this as an open letter to all scientists around the world, especially those with research grants from governments. Before you do any, and I mean any, research into the world of drinks find a decent bar in your town pop in and ask the bartender his thoughts.

You might find that we know the answer to your pointless, inane, useless ‘research’ without you having to spend vital money and time looking into it. In return we will endeavour not to try and cross breed anymore monkeys and parrots to make the ultimate bar back bottle opener.

A buzz of fun and excitement from the crowd, laughter cutting the room, drinks being knocked back at a steady rate, tables moved to the sides to make room for the dancing couples, the worries of a country in trouble being lost to alcohol, good times and the party atmosphere. We have all read the stories and many of us have seen Boardwalk Empire so we know straight away that scene is from a 1920’s Speakeasy.

Look at all those smiling faces, it's like the House of Commons on expenses day

The bar industry like all things goes through trends and whilst the rest of the world seems to be having a whole lot of fun reliving the bright, outlandish, slightly painful 80’s the bar industry has been looking a bit further back and focusing on the dark, low-key 20’s America (not 20’s Europe which was having quiet a jolly time thank you very much with the ‘Golden Twenties’ in full effect ).

There is no doubt that the 20’s Prohibition era was a hugely important time for the liquor and bar industry and I am all for celebrating it, I just think that the way ‘Speakeasies’ are doing this currently is missing the mark.

How the Speakeasy came to pass

There are few drinks writers in the world at the moment who have the academic background to their work to explain this era better than David Wondrich and he makes some very interesting points in his writings on the subject.

Firstly Prohibition was the end result of many years of campaigning against alcohol across the country but not necessarily outlawing it, in actual fact the majority of support came from the Upper Classes who didn’t want to ban alcohol they just wanted to ban alcohol from the working classes. By the time the Volstead Act came into force in 1920 the Upper Class had stocked up their cellars and were well prepared for the dark years ahead.

Speakeasies, were then, by their very necessity aimed at the working class man (and woman who for the first time were allowed to drink in the company of men – well it wasn’t a time to be fussy was it!) and full of the rough and ready characters of the neighbourhood. Jazz became the sound and in a lot of ways the badge of the Speakeasy scene, in the 80’s saying you liked Acid House was code for saying you liked to pop smiley faced pills, in the 20’s Jazz and liquor had the same association.

Of course Speakeasies were also rather hampered by their alcohol selection and quality, spirits were generally made on premise and in nicer areas the real stuff was often cut with water and sometimes with a lot worse (this was largely to make the booze still affordable for the working class folk as well as making more money of course) and as for decent cocktails, forget it. In fact the ability for bartenders to make good drinks was so restricted that many, including the great Harry Craddock, left the US during this period for the UK, France and the rest of Europe.

So let’s recap here a Speakeasy was a rough and ready drinking den full of working class guys and gals wanting to have fun, dance and get drunk without having to spend a fortune, oh and not forgetting to do all of this without anyone knowing you were doing it. Sure in later years once the rich peoples cellars had run dry and their posh restaurants had gone bust they started frequenting their own upper class Speakeasies or joining the riff-raff in theirs but the essence of these bars was always the earlier form.

Modern Speakeasies getting it wrong

Now here is my problem. Today’s Speakeasy bars are generally about as far away as it is possible to get from this. Now I understand that nowhere is going to survive by selling cut liquor in chipped glasses with no mixers but where has the Speakeasy soul gone.

Go back up to the first paragraph (taking out the tobacco part of course), now honestly does that seem like any modern day Speakeasy you have been to? No of course not. It starts out fine with the dark and the jazz but as soon as the feel and atmosphere of the place is included it is lost. Modern Speakeasies all seem to be so exclusive and trendy they have lost the very thing they are supposed to be celebrating. The 1920’s weren’t about the quality of the drinks or the skill of the bartenders it was about being naughty, drinking and having fun – sticking two fingers up at the elitist classes.

Echo... echo...

Oh and bartenders from this period were just that, bartenders. Not mixologists, not drink chefs, not service industry professionals etc but good old fashioned bartenders who concentrated on serving drinks and ensuring people had a great time. Look at pictures of Speakeasies and you’ll find jolly looking guys surrounded by smiling faces (all be it jolly guys who probably kept a shotgun under the bar just in case!).

However that also seems to have been lost – Where in the history books does it mention that a Speakeasy bartender must ‘give across a general feeling of being superior to his customers and produce drinks so serious smiling after the first sip is frowned upon’?

I think it is fair to say that the criticism levelled at these bars that they can’t be a Speakeasy if they tell anyone they exist is a little unfair, they do after all have to make a buck. What I don’t like however is the seeming elitism a lot of them appear to employ. Hosts who seem very concerned with your attire as you enter as if totting up if you can afford a round of drinks. Working Class venues remember???

Many of London’s ‘Speakeasies’ such as Experimental Cocktail Club, Nightjar are great venues, serving great drinks and although they are sometimes more than a little up their own arses for my taste, that is not my problem with them. My problem with them, as you may have guessed by now, is that they are not fucking Speakeasies! Being small, dark and hard to find does not a Speakeasy make.

I believe the closest we have to Speakeasies in today’s culture is the Dive bar. A venue where everyone is welcome, drinks are affordable and dancing and enjoyment are positively encouraged. The rest of you be upfront, admit what you are, you are good at it so why hide behind a false tag.

You are upmarket, expensive, serious drinking establishments – that sounds good to a whole lot of people, stop being scared to admit it.

This is his shaker face. And his 'just done an absinthe layback' face. And his 'Can you change my bag please' face

A thank you to all of the old guard for what they have done for our industry: From the early days of expanding the popularity of quality spirits and cocktails, for working tirelessly to educate and train up and coming bartenders, and for making the bartending profession a respected one.

With that said, I would like to say to a small but growing section of the old guard – Shut The F**k Up!

Over the past 12 months it seems that more and more of our industry’s well respected and well loved characters have been busy spending their time telling us all how lucky we are and how good we have it. If I wanted to hear that I’d visit my Grandpa – quite frankly I expect better from people that have been there and done it.

You’ve told us all how lucky we are, now let me take this opportunity to put the record straight. Seeing as how most people who have been saying this haven’t pulled a back-to-back double shift weekend behind a bar in the last 10 years, maybe they too will learn something about the life of a modern day bartender.

Yes we do have access to more training and knowledge than you ever had, and yes we are very grateful to be able to learn as much as we can so easily.

However firstly let’s not forget that most of this training is being paid for by the World’s drinks companies, and has given several of you folks a very nicely paid job in the twilight of your bartending careers.

Secondly, with training comes expectation and whilst it is true that a very good level of knowledge is now much easier to come by than in days of yore, it is also true that to stand out from the pack from a knowledge point of view is harder than ever before. How do we do this? By reading, by asking, by experimenting, by doing what you all did back in the day to stand out from your peers.

Yes the consumer is more knowledgeable than ever before. Yes you were instrumental in helping that happen.

You know what though folks, you created a fucking monster. Like a football supporter on the terraces knows how to manage the team better than the manager thanks to the non-stop flow of data coming their way, now our customers think they know more about cocktails than we do.

Just as a football fan doesn’t know more about managing a team than Fabio Capello…. (okay bad example)… Alex Ferguson – Dave and Sandra probably don’t know more about how an Aviation is made than a top bartender (‘not like that it’s got Jager in it, I read it on the internet!’).

Yes we do have more products behind the bar than ever before giving us access to more cocktails and creations.

You know what though? More spirits means more cocktails being created which means a whole lot more recipes to remember – not just the classics of your day, but modern classic and the drinks you lot all invented plus our own concoctions.

It also means a whole lot more crap brands to get onto our lists because the owners have done a deal with certain brand owners. To top it off, all those brands on our back bar need a basic understanding by us lot in front of them, which means more of that much loved knowledge to store in our Playstation-addled brains.

Yes there are more opportunities for us, more competitions with better prizes and general goodies being thrown our way.

Thanks for that – I didn’t say you were all bad!

It has also warmed the tiny cockles (I said cockles stop that giggling on the back row) of my heart to see that more than one of the old guard have stood up for us recently, seemingly noticing the nonsense some of their peers have been knobbing on about. Namely, thank you Gaz Regan with your Bar-Tweenies article for the San Francisco Chronicle and Naren Young in Australian Bartender Mag and www.4bars.com.au.

Both were spot on in their view that whilst we don’t have it necessarily easier than those before us some in our industry do look at their bartending careers as if they were an inspiring pop act on X Factor.

It takes time and dedication to reach the dizzying heights that both of these guys have achieved and there is no such thing as a quick fix. True bartenders completely understand this and as we do not judge all our predecessors by the examples of certain money grabbing dicks, we would appreciate not all being judged by some fly by night young cock jockeys as Gaz and Naren have managed to do.

Finally, no we don’t all wear waistcoats and greet every customer with a bow and a ‘good evening sir and madam I take it your day was pleasant’.

But then again we don’t use lime cordial and get to work on a horse – times change. We will greet our customers as the bar dictates – always politely, always graciously but not always like we have a plum inserted in our rectum.

Each trying to out git the last, each needing every drink on the menu (and most of ingredients) explained in triplicate before asking if you have mulled red wine and then plumping for ‘a drink like on Mad Men’ (I never thought I’d miss the days when they said ‘that Sex in the City cocktail’).

However good news is here – firstly, Black Friday is out of the way, and secondly some friends of BarLifeUK have sent in their favourite Wintery/Christmassy cocktails for us to try out. So Merry Christmas everyone and Cheers.

Tim Philips – Class Bartender of the Year 2009 and BarLifeUK blogger

Ho, Ho, Ohhhhh - is that a bottle of Urban Bourbon in his hand?

From spending all winter in Chamonix and London in years previous the drink that stands out is my Apple & Absinthe Toddy. A fantastic take on a classic 18th century Cidre Chaud et Normandy (Mulled Cider).

Apple & Absinthe Toddy

• 25ml Calvados
• 50ml Apple Juice
• 75ml Dry Cider
• Sp Honey
• Sp Absinthe
• 1/2 Sp Butter

All ingredients except Calvados heated in coffee steamer, or if made in bulk whisked rigorously over a saucepan. Add Calvados at end with Cinamon and Nutmeg.

Jeff Beachbum Berry – Mr Tiki and author of Remixed, Grog Log, Sippin’ Safari and more
Here’s a drink I just served at the Repeal Day Ball in Washington, D.C., which although a Tiki drink still works in Winter – the reason being allspice, which as Ted “Doctor Cocktail” Haigh says tastes like “Christmas in a glass.”

Ancient Mariner

• 30ml (1 oz) Demerara rum
• 30ml (1 oz) dark Jamaican rum
• 22.5ml (3/4 oz) fresh lime juice
• 15ml (1/2 oz) white grapefruit juice
• 15ml (1/2 oz) simple syrup
• 7.5ml (1/4 oz) pimento liqueur (Bitter Truth or St. Elizabeth Allspice Dram)

Shake well with lots of crushed ice.  Pour unstrained into a double old-fashioned glass.  Garnish with a lime wedge and mint sprig.

Gaz Regan – the man behind Ardent Spirits, the Worldwide Bartender Database, author and BarLifeUK blogger
Here’s a simple recipe that works pretty well for fireside quaffing. I came up with this drink for the Gourmet Magazine food-pairing challenge in 2004—I’m a big fan of marrying port and cognac, and the gingerbread syrup worked really well in this one.

Gourmet

Mix together at room temperature in a snifter.

Angus Winchester – Founder of Alconomics, Global Brand Ambassador Tanqueray Gin and cocktail guru
Here is a drink we did for last year’s Xmas menu at Nimb in Copenhagen. Very tasty it is too.

Jul Flip

Swirl Bitters. Shake and strain into a cognac glass with cubed ice.

Dushan Zaric – Owner of Employees Only and Macao Trading company and author of Speakeasy
The Calvados Sidecar is simply a playful variation of the classic Sidecar cocktail that we whip out from time to time on the right customer. As it turned we suggested it mostly in colder months as it’s flavours are naturally “warming”. Calvados is a French apple brandy treated with the same care as Cognac. To play of the apple flavours we added ground cinnamon to the sugar rim as it is a classic pairing with apples.

Calvados Sidecar

Glass: Cocktail. Rub rim of cocktail glass with the fruit of lemon. Carefully dip the rim in the cinnamon sugar so that only the very top of rim is coated evenly. Place the glass now back into the freezer and let the sugar rim harden. Pour all ingredients into a mixing glass. Add large cold ice and shake vigorously. Strain into the prepared cocktail glass. Garnish with orange twist.

Riki Carter – New Zealand bartender extraordinaire, the man behind the Matterhorn and BarLifeUK blogger
The flavours of the cocktail work well with the Christmas theme. The cigar gives a little touch of spice to the cocktail. A warming cocktail for the cold winter.

Rum and Cigar Blazer

Place all ingredients (with the exception of the orange zest) in to a blazer mug, light and pass the flaming liquid between the two jugs. Extinguish the flame and pour in to warmed old fashioned glass. Flame the zest over the top and place in to the cocktail.

It's funny because it's true

Who would have thought quitting your job could make you an overnight celebrity? It seems in this day and age it is that simple – I guess it is all about how you quit (and being American obviously helps).

The person in question? Steven Slater. The job he quit? Flight Attendant. How he quit? Told a passenger ‘Fuck you’, grabbed his bag, two beers, popped the emergency chute, slid down and buggered off home to his boyfriend (I know a gay male flight attendant – who would have thought it?)

I must admit, when I first read this story I was impressed. I was slightly less impressed however when I realised the plane was on the ground when he slid down the chute, still… a good way to go nonetheless. What surprised me was the furore this created.

There is now a Facebook page with 174,000 fans (to put this into perspective Pamela Anderson’s has 88,000 fans AND includes bikini pics), interviews with major papers, TV stations and no doubt an Oprah special coming ‘in the fall’.

Then the various bartending and service industry blogs quickly jumped on the bandwagon (I am fully aware that this is a blog and I am mentioning it but bear with me).

Half seemed to tout him as an hero for sticking it up the rude punter, and others saying that rude punters are all part of the job of the service pro so suck it up.

This has brought to the surface an age-old discussion which has been running ever since Eve asked the snake if he had any Golden Delicious instead – how much shit should we, as service people, put up with?

Well the simple truth folks is – as much as you can before you pop the chute and slide down it.

To work behind a bar you have to have a lot of skills, and probably the most underestimated and most overlooked are a damned thick skin and a really good sense of humour.

You see we sell booze, a drug which brings out the best and worst in people and sometimes the worst is rude, obnoxious, violent, condescending arseholeness (you will be more familiar with this if your bar stocks Stella).

The best of course is praise, phone numbers, tips and appreciation. With the rough comes the smooth, it is the same in any job, it is all about how you deal with it and how much you can deal with as a result.

Do we deserve it? No of course not but it isn’t a new trend either – we all knew what we were getting into.

I personally have always been able to laugh at the idiots that have frequented any bar I’ve worked in (not usually to their faces if I can help it) and yes, I have bad nights where it all gets a bit much, but they are easily cancelled out by the great nights.

Angus Winchester seemingly follows this line of thinking as he posted a blog on barbore.com asking people for their ‘Top Five things Customers do to annoy Bartenders’. The response showed just what a hot topic this is, and also showed the fantastic attitude bartenders have towards idiot customers. Here are a couple of my favourites:

“Whistling. I hope Lassie is in the area with a rum and coke for you buddy, ’cause you sure as hell aren’t getting served that way.”

“Waving Money In The Air. The best way to deal with this is ignore him for a while and get your fellow bartenders to do likewise. After a while, they normally get frustrated and start calling on you, at this point, it gives me great delight to inform them that the reason I was ignoring them was because I assumed he thought he was at an auction.”

Customers incapable of small talk to lighten the moment. This gets to me every time:

Bartender: *smiling* “Hi there, how ya doing?”
Customer: “Gin and tonic”

You see we know punters are going to whistle, wave money, be rude and forget their pin number at just the wrong time, these are givens, embrace them, love them, laugh at them and suddenly that escape chute isn’t so necessary.

In summary the hospitality industry isn’t for everyone and we all have breaking points. Some are better at taking it than others and we all deal with it in different ways.

Make up your own caption... there's someone at the door. Probably a Jehovah's Witness as I never get visitors.

When I get to the point where I am finding more nights unpleasant than pleasant I book a few days off and grab a mini holiday and return refreshed and ready for action. If you do decide to jack it all in then Steven showed us that you may as well do it properly.

In the meantime what to do about those who really try their best to ruin your evening?

Well you could do what my ‘friend’ used to do – keep a little bottle of very strong laxative medicine behind the bar and when the offending customer comes to settle his bill offer him a shot on the house with of course a drop or two placed in the shot glass beforehand.

His theory – ‘If they are going to give me the run around all night I am going to make sure the rest of their night is based around the runs!’

In honour of the man that sparked this debate I have come up with a drink.

The Steven Slater Cocktail

The next time a customer really, really gets on your tits go to serve them and stand there as if you are listening. Whilst they waffle on grab a glass chuck something nice in it, hold it up, hold a finger in the air to shut them up, utter ‘Fuck You’, down the drink and serve the person next to them!

Which is worse - the shirt or the Sour Mix??

Firstly lets ignore the whole ‘it is ruining the reputation of the brand’ argument. The brand have launched it, I am sure they have spent plenty of time and money figuring out the plus and minus points. If you are so up yourself that you refuse to stock their rum because they make an RTD then I suggest you rid your bar of all other products that have committed the same mortal sin – bottled beer for allowing people to drink at home for example…. Cock.

Secondly, the fact we have survived so long without this happening is a minor miracle. Our friends the chefs have been putting up with culinary equivalents of this for years – from the simple stir-in pasta sauces to pre-made, pre-packaged microwavable Indian in a bag. Do they bitch and moan? Well yes actually but they’re chefs they bitch and moan as often as they breath. My point is the restaurant market hasn’t disappeared and I contest that all these products have done is make people appreciate the chefs skills more and made restaurant going a thing to savour. The best restaurants and chefs have prospered and the shit chefs have launched TV careers.

See? Pre-packaged Mojito’s are a good thing (make a note of the word thing in that sentence, as I bought a bottle of the stuff for research and let me tell you they are not good. In fact it resembles a real Mojito about as much as Piers Morgan resembles a real human being). What is ruining cocktail culture is what happens in bad bars and the influx of smarmy, talentless, undertrained, over selfimportantising (take that Oxford English Dictionary) dicks on YouTube videos telling the world how to make classic cocktails – or American’s as they are otherwise known.

If one more tanned (which is your first clue they aren’t a proper bartender), smiling, skin covered festering dog turd posts a video showing me how to make the ‘classic Margarita’ and reaches for a bottle of Sweet and Sour Mix… I swear I will jump on a plane track them down and explain to them what real sweet and sour is by taping open their eyes squeezing in dozens of fresh limes and dipping their love torpedo in Agave Syrup and setting an annoyed honey badger loose.

People experimenting at home isn’t going to ruin the cocktail bar industry anymore than a kick around in the park stops people watching the premiership or masturbating has put an end to sex – it simply makes people appreciate the skill and enjoyment to be had from the real thing.

So don’t have a go at poor homemade remedies have a go at the slop (the collective noun) of bad bars and bartenders out there. In particular at any bar which thinks fresh fruit is a group of gay guys who hasn’t visited before.

So get shaking, get cheering and get ready to make a fortune in tips if England go all the way!

*BarLifeUK cannot be held responsible if these drinks turn out to be shit – BarLifeUK Legal Team

GROUP E

Netherlands

What on earth have you been smoking? Ohhh you're dutch...

Ahhh the Dutch, surely most supporters’ favourite ‘second’ team. The men in orange invented Total Football, and still play with a joy and freedom that is more fun to watch than an Amsterdam shop window. They also have a history of mighty fine booze and arguably none better than Genever which is in the midst of a mighty revival. So here’s to having Holland in the House….

Holland House
60ml Genever
25ml Dry Vermouth
15ml Lemon Juice
10ml Maraschino Liqueur
Shake hard with ice and fine strain into a pre chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a Lemon Twist

Denmark
The great Danes aren’t expected to do a whole lot this year and will do well to qualify from this tough group. They do however have a crazy language, and no word illustrates this better than the word for their national love of elderflower cordial, which they call Hyldeblomstsaft. After me…. Hyldeblomstasaftaftseft. Oh bugger it – here have a drink:

Bitter Elder
60ml Gin
90ml Apple Juice
25ml Lemon Juice
15ml Elderflower Cordial
3 dashes of Old Fashioned Bitters
Add all the ingredients to your shaker, add lots of ice, shake thoroughly and strain into a Collins glass over lots of ice. Garnish with a lemon wheel.

Japan
You have to have a bit of a soft spot for the Japanese; such enthusiasm should be rewarded and they do properly love their footy. They also love good drinks and more and more excellent bars are popping up across the country. This is a classic drink using a classic Japanese spirit – don’t knock it till you’ve tried it (again)

Japanese Slipper
30ml Midori
30ml Cointreau
30ml Lemon juice
Half fill shaker with ice, add other ingredients. Shake and pour into martini glass. Garnish with a slice of honeydew melon, or a glace cherry at the bottom of the glass.

Cameroon
Remember Roger Milla? The oldest bloke to score in a World Cup Finals? Well this drink has nothing to do with him at all. I know the Mojito is Cuban, but bear with me. A lot of historians say it was invented by African slaves working the sugar cane fields of Cuba, and Cameroon makes a killer Sugar Cane Wine so this, to me, makes perfect sense. The Cameroon Mojito – if you can find proper sugar cane to use in your drink, it makes even more sense.

Mojito
30ml Rum
3 wedges fresh lime
12 fresh mint leaves
2 bar spoons sugar cane juice or sugar syrup
Soda water
Muddle together the mint and lime briefly in a Collins Glass, chuck in the rum and sugar syrup and give it another quick muddle. Half-fill glass with crushed ice. Give it a damn good stirring, top up with more crushed ice and add soda to fill. Garnish with a fresh sprig of mint.

GROUP F

Italy
The Italians care more about their hair than their football, which makes it doubly depressing that they are still better than us. Their bars are also annoyingly good, and none better than Harry’s Bar, which birthed the Bellini and Carpaccio. Ratios I’ll leave to you, but I use about 1 tbl spoon of fresh peach puree (white peaches ideally). The Bellini was apparently named after the a famous painter and inspired by the colours in his paintings rumour has it even the great man himself sometimes added 2-3drops of raspberry puree to get that hue.

Bellini
Prosecco
White Peach puree
Raspberry puree (optional)
Put the peach puree in the bottom of a champagne flute (and raspberry puree if using), top up with chilled Prosecco, check how you look in the nearest mirror and serve.

New Zealand

So good it even makes Feijoa taste nice!!

No, this isn’t a late April fool’s joke, New Zealand really are in the World Cup. They are a crazy bunch with their bridge jumping and white water jet boating, but probably the oddest thing they have given the world is Feijoa. Tried it? Tastes like Peter Stringfellow’s posing pouch. They did however give us 42 Below and in turn Jacob Briars, so here’s to you professor.

Mrs Enough
45ml 42BELOW Feijoa
10ml green apple liqueur
10ml part fresh lime juice
20 -30ml simple or sugar syrup (dependant on sweetness of your pear – oohhhh errr missus)
Half a pear, cored and finely chopped
3 coriander leaves
In a mixing glass, muddle together the coriander and pear, and add spirits, juice and sugar. Fill with ice, and shake sharply. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass, and garnish with a coriander leaf.

Paraguay
Before I began this mission, I didn’t know much about Paraguay… I still don’t, but I do know that their national drink is a brewed beverage using the dried leaves from the yerba tea plant called, Mate (it does have more authentic sounding name, but Mate works too and I can spell it). You can’t get that here, so get your smackers round this little beauty…

Royal Tea
2 parts Beefeater Gin
2 parts brewed and chilled Earl Gray Tea
Squeeze of lemon juice
Spoonful of sugar
Lime wheels for garnish
Pour the ingredients into an old-fashioned glass filled with ice stir well and garnish with lime wheels.

Slovakia
The Slovak’s make some, apparently, rather good brandies and gins, which got me thinking about a classic drink  I hadn’t tasted in far too long, so I made myself one and it’s still great. Join me in rediscovering the excellent Charlie Chaplin Cocktail from the Waldorf Astoria Bar, circa 1920. You’ll be thanking the nation of Slovakia for the reminder too.

Charlie Chaplin
30ml Apricot brandy
30ml Sloe gin
30ml Fresh lime juice
Lime peel for garnish
Shake all ingredients with ice and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a lime peel.

GROUP G

Brazil

See? Just marvelous

As a friend once exclaimed ‘Is there anything hotter than a girl in a tight Brazil footy top?’ Well no, in the same way there is nothing sadder than a 35 yo man dribbling at a 19 yo girl in a tight Brazilian footy top! (Can you please stop making oblique references to me in articles. Thanks – Ed) They also manage to liven up all world cup finals and any beach they come in contact with. They haven’t forgotten about booze either – this is an oldie but a goodie.

Caipirinha
60ml Cachaca
Half lime (wedged)
2 bar spoons white sugar
Muddle up the lime and sugar in the bottom of a shaker glass, add ice, shake like you’re doing the samba then chuck the whole lot into a rocks glass.

Ivory Coast
Whilst scratching my head about a cocktail for these folk, I found myself humming Ebony & Ivory and then it hit me – there must be a drink named after this song. And you know what, there is and it was created by Fredrik Lindfors of the Cadier Bar in Stockholm. It is a bit of a girly-looking concoction, but really doesn’t come out as creamy as you’d think – give it a try (ohhh and reduce the amount of Chocolate Syrup and Cream….. by alot).

Ebony & Ivory
30ml DeKuyper Butterscotch
30ml Licor 43
50ml (10ml) Monin Chocolate Syrup
200ml (40ml) fresh cream
1 strawberry for garnish
1/2 tsp vanilla sugar for garnish
Stir the Butterscotch and Licor 43 with lots of ice and strain into a well chilled cocktail glass. Meanwhile shake the bojangles out of the chocolate syrup and cream for about 15 seconds and then float the cream on top of the drink. Garnish with a strawberry on the edge and sprinkle vanilla sugar on the cream.

North Korea
I’ll be honest, all my Korea knowledge was used up in my South Korea drink, so I thought I would just put in a favourite cocktail of mine, at random, picked out of a hat, any relation the name has to racial stereotypes about canine snacking is purely coincidental… The Salty Dog, like the martini, creates arguments about ratios that can go on forever. Personally, I use one part gin (gin NOT vodka) and 2 parts grapefruit juice – ohh, and a cocktail glass not a Collins glass.

Salty Dog
30ml Gin
60ml Grapefruit Juice
Lime wedge
Salt
Rim the glass edge using the lime and salt. Shake the gin and grapefruit with ice and fine strain into the chilled and rimmed cocktail glass. Perhaps offer a discount for anyone who can Cane Nine!!!

Portugal
Let’s face facts, 11 bow-legged toddlers on a bouncy castle covered in baby oil have got more chance of staying upright for 90 minutes than the Portuguese football team. Chief of the jelly legs is The Winker Christiano Ronaldo, and whilst I am sure our friend Tony Conigliaro wasn’t thinking of him when he came up with this Sazerac style drink using gin, it seems to fit perfectly.

Wink
60ml Dry gin
7.5ml Cointreau
Absinthe (for rinse)
1 bar spoon sugar syrup
1 healthy dash Peychaud’s bitters
Rinse an old fashioned glass with absinthe, and add ice to chill. Add ingredients to a mixing glass and stir with ice. Empty old fashioned glass and strain drink in to glass. Garnish with too much hair gel and a smug smile.

GROUP H

Chile
There is a long running battle between Peru and Chile about who invented the South American favourite, Pisco. Well I can end that here and now – Peru didn’t qualify for the WC so I award the rights to Chile. Don’t know what all the fuss was about. With that sorted let’s celebrate with a Pisco Sour.

Pisco Sour
60ml Pisco
30ml Lime Juice
20ml Sugar syrup
1 egg white (fresh please people you don’t want Edwina visiting your bar!)
1 dash bitters
Chuck all of the ingredients (minus bitters) in a shaker with ice and shake it like you have your toes in an electrical socket and fine strain into rocks glass with ice. Garnish with bitters.

Honduras
Honduras in the WC reminds me of Jamaica in the bobsleigh, unfortunately I can’t remember the end of Cool Runnings so I have no idea if this bodes well for them or not. I did however learn that the fantastic Rum which is Flor de Cana is made in Honduras as well as Nicaragua.

Azra Cocktail
60ml Flor de Cana 18 yo
15ml Benedictine
2 dashes of orange bitters
Stir with ice and strain into a coupe glass – no garnish

Spain
Spain always remind me of England, a fantastic league with fantastic teams full of foreigners. And just like England they will probably flatter to deceive. As for booze, nothing says Spain like Sangria, and there are very few drinks in the world easier to bulk pre-prepare. So make the Sangria mix the night before ideally (minus the club soda) and store in fridge. Serve it in jugs to groups. Feel free to add what you want – this is the most basic of recipes and there is really no limit to what you can do to it – add chilli, add sherry, add gin, add sloe gin add whatever you damn well please just imagine you are the coach of Real Madrid.

Sangria (Makes 4 big glasses)
1 bottle dry red wine
1 tablespoon sugar
Juice of 1 large orange
Juice of 1 large lemon
1 large orange, sliced thin crosswise
1 large lemon, sliced thin crosswise
2 medium peaches, peeled, pitted and cut into chunks
250ml club soda
Mix everything except the club soda together in a jug and refrigerate overnight (if you can). Before serving chuck in lots of ice and top up with the soda.

Switzerland
I have never understood Switzerland – everyone hides their money there yet their army defends itself with a penknives. Anyway, ignoring this security issue, Switzerland is very bling and in the world of spirits surely the most bling thing has to be Goldschlager. Also, it turns out that despite Goldschlager being produced in Italy these days, has its roots in Switzerland.

Mint Condition
30ml Vodka
15ml Coffee Liqueur
30ml Goldschlager
30ml Bourbon
Pour ingredients into an ice filled old-fashioned glass, stir and serve.

So there we are at the end of the list, and I must say I learnt a lot about the world’s drinking habits researching this one. It seems that cocktails, like football, can bring the world together, only for bad jokes in search of a cheap laugh to ruin it for everyone.

I hope that this inspires you to make the most out of this years World Cup and I’ll have a Union Jack!

If you missed the first half of this extravaganza, check it out here.

Whilst at home munching on parts of an animal that hasn’t walked the earth since the Mesozoic Era I began to get annoyed nay angry at the health conscious world around us that insists on your ’5 a day’ like it is a simple equation. As a bartender the hours worked are just not conducive to healthy cooking no matter how much I enjoy it.

Needless to say the anger abated soon after the second sip of the large Woodford Reserve I had poured myself slithered down my throat and stopped the Kebab from having an internal conversation with me. Anger was replaced with an idea (I knew it was an idea because it was a thought that made my head hurt) – who says you need food to get your 5 a day?

So the mission was set – 5 a day via the medium of the cocktail

First port of call was a Dietitian friend to explain to me the rules of the scheme. Most importantly is the silly but strict rule that juice can only count for 1 of your 5 a day no matter how much you drink and no matter how many different fruits or veggies you use to get there!! The reason is simple – when you juice something all of the roughage is left behind in the juicer and with it most of the goodness.

Spot the odd one out

The mission was harder – juice could only count for 1!. Ahhhhh not so smug now are you? No nor was I. But like a drunk with a key that won’t go in the door I wasn’t going to give up that easily.

Juicing is a no no but blending is fine as long as you use the whole fruit/vegetable in the drink – bits and all. Well then if blending is good then surely muddling is good too – right?

The start was easy and I am sure you can all see this one coming – Yep the good old Bloody Mary. If like me the size of the glass you use to make your Bloody Mary is entirely comparable to the size of your hangover then prepare for a thumper. Next up don’t use any of that processed Tomato Juice crap, grab a couple of handfuls of fresh baby tomatoes and chuck them in the blitzer. Add to this lashings of vodka (or Tequila if you prefer Maria etc) and your own preferred secret mix of herbs and spices and voila that is 1 for the day. But hold on there, why not garnish it? Use a stick of celery and a piece on cucumber similar in size to the BFG’s little finger and you’re up to 2 for the day! And that’s just breakfast.

Next up lunch

Something light and refreshing but with the all important 1. Well how about a good old fashioned Mojito or Caipirinha? Those South Americans have those beach bodies for a reason and remember muddling is goooooooddddd so bash away at those limes to get all of the bits out (no double strainers here folks) and bang we are up to number 3.

Number 4 I chose to have in between my evenings split shift. I had been so careful with my choices up to this point I had yet to use my allotted one juice drink. Is that cheating? Maybe. Do I have to start work again in 25 minutes? Yes. Okay then one juiced up drink coming my way. With a quick flash back to my holiday on the beach earlier this year only one drink will do – a good and I mean good Pina Colada. All that healthy Pineapple Juice and of course the sweet, sweet rum. Mixing one up I check the portion sizes list – 150ml of Pineapple Juice = 1 a day! Shit. I keep my Pineapple juice down to 75 mls max. Ohhh what about the coconut?Nope coconut doesn’t count towards your 5 a day. Fuckers – well I best have two then!

The final push

My shift is over, it’s late and I’m tired yet I’m still one short of my 5 for the day. I want something strong and short to finish me off. Old Fashioned – orange peel not eaten, Negroni – same problem…. Hang on a second here an edible garnish ala the Bloody Mary. What better than a Martini with olives? Olives are fruits (or vegetables – either way they’re green so they have to count) I start to search for the list my friend gave me with the amounts needed to give you a 1 count. Searching fruitlessly (come on that’s a good gag right there) I mix myself up a Martini to help and garnish it with 4 olives – I am feeling healthier already. No list but I am confident I have done it, and with ease.

5 a day in liquid and alcoholic form – easy. And there is the list, well just to prove to you all I have done it I check out the olive count. There it is in print taunting me, as if to prove that the 5 a day isn’t possible without a knife and fork – number of olives equal to 1 a day is 30!

Fucking monkey piss! I down my Martini pop the 4 olives from the cocktail stick into my mouth and take a deep breath. This is, after all, going to be a long night – 4 olives down and 26 to go. By my reckoning that means another 7 martini’s before I can go to bed!

The Gooch recommends the following sites for your 5 a day exploration and does not recommend 8 martini’s before bed!

5 a day – Portion sizes
5 a day – FAQ

However as bartenders we are still expecting to be up on all of the latest news, gossip, results and controversy, how many times a week in the middle of a 12 hour shift do I get asked the score in a game that started an hour after I got behind the stick? To fucking many that’s how!

But like a shining becon of light from a flaming torch my nights have been resportified the last couple of weeks with the joys of Hazel Irvine (is it wrong that I find her a bit… you know?) beaming into my dark cold hovel of a flat. Yes the Winter Olympics has been on and you know what despite my previous misgivings I have thoroughly enjoyed it.

Not just a pretty gold medal

I would love to say that the essence of the Olympic spirit captured my heart or the complexities of curling ignited my sporting brain or indeed the pure thrill of watching complete idiots hurling themselves off a ski-slope to a hopefully massive but not fatal crash brought out my thrill seeking sole but no. I am only slightly ashamed to admit it was the marvellous, individual brilliance of the tight lycra body suit that caught my eye.

More than a series of bottoms

Now don’t think me sexist here as it has become apparent in conversations with the girls at work that the male derriere is equally flattered by the spray on attire – the Olympics truly are a universal occasion! I am now on first name terms with svelte Swedish speed skaters, lithe Latvian lugers, ample American alpine skiers and cardiac causing Canadian cross-countriers.

Before I knew it I was hooked and watching sports without said buttock framing outfits, not just watching but cheering for the women’s curling team and dare I even say the men’s ass in air sports! It appears I am not the only one either with the amount of people talking about Amy Williams win (and magnificent bottom of course) in my bar last week the country seems inspired.

All this got me thinking and the memory cogs in my brain turning – where had I seen an Olympics Cocktail. It didn’t take me long to remember and those of you with a knowledge of the classics will also already be one step ahead of me. None other than the bible of cocktail bartenders worldwide Harry Craddock’s 1930 Savoy Cocktail Book contains a recipe for the Olympic Cocktail. A simple and elegant cocktail (recipe below) for any bar to adopt whilst the Olympics are still in everyones minds (and with a Gold Medal I would imagine that will be until the World Cup starts). Me I put a slight twist on it swapping the Orange juice for Orange bitters, adding a splash of rum and serving it as a blazer with a stick of cinnamon. I considered getting some lycra sleeves made for the glasses as a homage to the games but decided against it.

Thanks to the Olympics, Du Pont (the inventors of lycra), Hazel Irvine and Harry Craddock for making my late nights so much more enjoyable!

Olympic Cocktail

Harry Craddock – Savoy Cocktail Book 1930
25ml Brandy
25ml Curacao
25ml Orange Juice
Served up.