BarLifeUK will be at the Portobello Star tonight (15-12-2013), reporting live as the 2013 Alternative Bar Awards unfold.
Refresh this page from around 7:30pm GMT for up to date reports. You can also follow our updates on Twitter: @BarLifeUK
We apologise in advance for the inevitably poor spelling, grammar and offensive content we will be posting as the night wears on.
19:36 – We’re here. Midnight Hour is playing and Tim Stones is still wearing men’s clothes.
19:42 – Lyndon Higginson is here. Any lingering hope of being productive tomorrow just evaporated in a puff of rum.
20:00 – The Star is filling up. No sign of our host for tonight thus far, but the awards have just arrived:
220:14 – Can we take this opportunity to welcome our international readers. Steve, Giuseppe and the rest of the Yanks – welcome. Chris Hysted and the Aussies – well played chaps, you beat us fair and square. We Englishmen doff our caps to your Baggy Greens…
20:21 – Bar power couple Monica Berg and Alex Kretana just arrived. The music stopped for a moment while we mentally added up all the non-alternative awards they have won between them. It’s a lot…
20:29 – Here we go. Jake is wearing a gold lame suit. The awards are a go…
20:31 – Introductory remarks. “2013, what a fucking year… We lost our beloved friend Henry Besant. Please raise your glasses.”
20:32 – “We also lost half the bar industry to Australia. They will all be back when they realise Sydney is a cultural wasteland surrounded by fire”
20:34 – “… And more than anything tonight, we celebrate breasts”
20:35 – ‘The Gin Princess Tim Stones makes her entrance. Unfortunately, from where I type this, I can see up her skirt”
20:37 – Best LGBT. Nominees – Tom Vernon, Rowan, Mark Ludmon. Coco.
And the winner is Coco
Shut up and make me a Negroni, Nominees – Ryan Chumbawumba, Entire staff of Nightjar, Dan Hoobley boobley (Wife’s tears as ingredient), Gaz regan, all the competition enterers this year –
Winner. Ryan Chumba womba
TV Personality of the year. Nominees – JJ Goodman. Jake Burger. Alex Kammerling. gareth Evans.
The winner is: JJ Goodman.
Biggest Sellout of the year. Nominees – Matthew Dakers. Paul Mant. Joe Gunner. Pierre Limon. Pete Jeery.
The winner: Matthew Dakers.
Fittest Rep / Hanger on: Nominees – Camille Vidal. Nikki Stringfellow. Metinne KingKongKarilla. Rebekkah Dooley. Fabrice Limon. Shannon McCoy.
Winner: Camille Vidal. She’s not here, so Tim Stones wins!!
Worst Toilets – The Star, Trailer, The Rum Kitchen, Alibi, The Liars Club. The ANchor Bondi.
Winner: The Rum Kitchen.
Shittest Tattoo: Nominees – Hannah Sharmon Cox. Matthew Pommeroy. Alistair Burgess. Paul McFadyen. Timothy Ward.
Winner: Timothy Ward.
The Biggest Assets in the industry: Yael Weisberg. Emma Stokes. Shervene Shazbazbangers. Helena Fleur. Miss Kelly Brooke,.
Winner: Emma Stokes (Gin Monkey)
INTERVAL – Jake is doing a magic trick, he just Iced the whole bar!!!!
Everyone is down on one knee. We’ll be back in 10 minutes.
21:15 – T-Minus 3 minutes
And we are back. The next category:
Least influential. Nominees: Tom Sandham. Ben McFarland (the other tom). CLASS magazine. BarLifeUK.
Winner: Tom Sandham.
New category! Fuck off we never liked you anyway, Nominees: Dudb Dub, Paul Mant, Jamie Kimber. Zdenek, Bex Almquist. James Coston. Dan Priseman. Will Pineapple.
Winner: Paul Mant.
The Repatriation award – (show will get shipped back first). Nominees – Dub Dub. Pete Jeery. Jack Hubbard. Alexx Hair Mousse. Paul Mant. Stu Hudson.
Winner: Stu Hudson.
Blue Ribbon Award – Most Tollerable Foreigner. Nominees – michael Mannigoss, Jacob Briars, Johan Ekland, Adam from he star. Guiseppe Ginsazez (Mexico)
Winner: Johan Ekland
Leat Tollerable Foreginer. Nomination: Stu Hudson. Dean Callan. Will Pineapple. Jamie Mac. Steve Schneider. Philip Duff. Greg – the bloke who stitched Giuseppe up and we all hate him.
Winner: Greg the bloke who stitched Giuseppe up and we all hate him
Monkey Shoulder iSpoons for the first 100 people here tonight!!
Nicest Piece. Nominees are: Dean Callan – Electra. Jacob Briars – Charlotte. Claire Smith – Dan Warner. Alex Kratena – Simone. Stu Hudson – Andrea. Amy Mercer – Barry Wilson. Isaak – Melissa. Mrs Loincz.
Winner: Stu Hudson – Andrea Montegue
Last award coming!
Lifetime underachievement award.
Winner: Pete Jeery for only managing to have one kid!
And that’s it! Thank you for staying with us. I hope you backed a winner. We are now off to get stocious, because drinking and typing is hard.